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Our phones know every word in the English language. But they don’t want us to know that they know every word. They know what we’re typing, but they pretend not to know. What follows is a list of what you’re trying to spell, and what I assume is your phone’s Pollyanna internal monologue. Lord knows why you have to use such language anyway.
What you’re trying to spell: Defecate
What your phone thinks: You meant defective. There’s no reason for that other word. I can help you type “Do your business.”
What you’re trying to spell: Masturbate.
What your phone thinks: Mastur? We have no idea where you’re going with this, buddy. No words start like that.
What you’re trying to spell: Cunnilingus
What your phone thinks: Is that Italian? I’m not an Italian phone. Doesn’t seem like a thing that’s very common. AM I RIGHT, LADIES?!
What you’re trying to spell: Penile
What your phone thinks: Penis? Sure. That is a medical term. I can help you with that. But penile? Is that a type of pasta? “Of the penis”? When would such a concept come up in polite conversation?
What you’re trying to spell: Feces
What your phone thinks: Don’t act like you need me for this.
What you’re trying to spell: Fetish
What your phone thinks: Fetishize. Sure. Fetishized. Yes, of course, we know that one. Fetish. No… not familiar with the concept.
What you’re trying to spell: Erection
What your phone thinks: Never hear of an erect ion, but science moves so fast these days, who can keep up?
What you’re trying to spell: Pussy
What your phone thinks: Aw, yeah. Someone’s going pussyfooting.
What you’re trying to spell: Syphilis
What your phone thinks: I know about gonorrhea. But syph… syphisus? Oh, Sisyphus!
What you’re trying to spell: Chlamydia.
What your phone thinks: This isn’t how I raised you.
What you’re trying to spell: Ejaculation
What your phone thinks: EJ’s cute?
What you’re trying to spell: Orgiastic
What your phone thinks: Wow. You really have no clue how to spell origami.
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