An Incomplete and Growing List of Truly Horrifying Found Footage

In 2007, I sat in a movie theater and nearly crapped my pants as a young couple named Katie and Micah experienced Paranormal Activity in their home.

Fourteen years later, after tons of subpar, confusing knock-offs and six sequels that got progressively worse and more convoluted, the found footage genre has lost its luster.

Until now.

This is my incomplete and growing list of truly horrific found footage.

Found footage, but it’s just a video of me drinking wine on the couch in my sweats over the span of four hours and it ends with me crying and sending scandalous drunk texts

Found footage, but it’s a video of me the next morning, mortified as I read through the scandalous text messages I sent the night before

Found footage, but it’s just a video of me standing in the middle of my living room, screaming into the void, wondering how it became 5 P.M. on a Sunday so quickly

Found footage, but from the perspective of my DoorDash driver who catches me in their proof of delivery photo hiding in my foyer like some evil, germophobic demon who lives off of pizza-style chicken parmesan, huge servings of cheesecake, and paying $45 worth of service fees on a $20 meal

Found footage, but it’s just a video of me looking at my phone rather than watching the found footage movie I just paid money to Amazon to watch

Found footage, but it’s just a video of me eating Kraft Mac and Cheese directly out of the pot because I am trying not to do so many dishes, and I hate getting my sleeves wet when doing dishes

Found footage, but it’s just a video of me throwing my phone across the room after getting into an argument with an Internet stranger in the comments who I never should’ve provoked in the first place because it’s evident they don’t know the difference between your and you’re and their, there, and they’re

Found footage, but it’s just a video of me working from home without pants, unshowered, in the same sweatshirt I’ve worn for the past three weeks while chugging coffee and spying on my neighbors from my dining room window and creating elaborate, fantastical backstories for them

Found footage, but it’s just video of me repeatedly giving the middle finger off screen on another unnecessary Zoom call

Found footage, but it’s just video of me being shocked over the consequences of my own actions

Found footage, but it’s just a video montage of my facial expressions when I get unsolicited dick pics and weird sexual requests on Grindr from guys with profile names like “GrandPappy4Dick,” “FartOnMe,” and “DiaperBB”

Found footage, but it’s just the same reactions whenever anyone under the age of 25 starts the conversation by calling me “Daddy”