An Incomplete and Growing List of Towns That Are {5 Cent} Versions of Their Name Sake

When The Prompt Staff had our weekly meeting at Mohegan Sun Resort and Casino to decide this week’s writing prompt, I was there. I was paying attention. I knew that it was Five Senses. I helped brainstorm ideas. (Editor’s Note: This is accurate.)

And then, when the next weekly meeting rolled around, I was also there, to hear our editor, motivational speaker, and [insert Charlize Theron’s character from Mad Max], remind us “Hey, turn in your pieces for this prompt: Five Senses. But this time I heard “Five Cents.” (Editor’s Note: I can attest that Dennis was physically present. I cannot attest to his hearing or mental capacity.)

I went to bed brainstorming things relating to Five Cents.

I write this prelude to explain how my piece is still very much on-prompt, homophonically. And without further ado, here is my incomplete and growing list of American cities that are like a five-cent version of their original namesakes.

Manhattan, Kansas

Manhattan, Kansas earnestly bills itself as The Little Apple. This would be insulting to real Manhattanites, but they don’t even know this smelly cowtown in the Midwest even exists. I have been in New York and asked a few random people if they were aware of The Little Apple. “That’s cute” was the general response. However, there is nothing cute about this cowtown cum college town. If you are a black person living in Manhattan, Kansas, you probably have an athletic scholarship to Kansas State University.

Full disclosure, I am from Lawrence, Kansas, a place that most Manhattanites consider to be Gomorrah.

Mexico, Missouri

Despite being home to a barbecue restaurant called Pig Up & Go, there is no way that Missouri’s “Mexico” can boast the beauty and culture of our country’s neighbor to the south, which is part of North America, not Central or South America, you ignorant gringo.

I know that I have been geographically near Mexico, Missouri, but the only memory I have of it is thinking “Hey, Mexico” when I see the sign.

According to MexicoMissouri.net (of course it’s dot net), Mexico hosts the Miss Missouri Pageant, which is an unusual name for a livestock competition. COME AT ME, MISSOURI!

Philadelphia, Missouri

Didn’t know this existed until I was Google-mapping Mexico, Missouri. And despite the fact that the real Philly in Pennsylvania is a septic tank, at least it’s not in Missouri.

Hamburg, Iowa

I drive through here when I’m going to visit my sister in Omaha. Having been to the real Hamburg, I can tell you that the founders of this Hamburg may have been overly ambitious. It does does continue the tradition (shared by Mexico, Missouri) of small midwestern towns whose residents would have no interest in living in their town’s namesake. Sure, Germans have a reputation as a staid people, but when they get weird, they get real weird. And Hamburg is one of the places they get real weird.

Fun fact, according to Wikipedia, the founders of Hamburg, Iowa thought they were settling in Missouri.

Paris, Texas

In this Paris, the flaky, buttery breakfast pastry is pronounced “crussunt.” They don’t want to sound too fruity.

Oxford, Mississippi, Massachusetts, Ohio, et al.

Some very original thinking coming out of Oxford these days. What’s funny is that Oxford, Massachusetts thinks it’s better and more like the real Oxford than Oxford, Ohio is, but it’s not. Meanwhile Oxford, Mississippi, which calls itself “Cultural Mecca of the South,” could likely not tell you the origin of that metaphor.

Athens, Indiana & Kentucky

Indianapolis is flanked by two towns called Athens. As you read this, in your head you are saying Athens in the normal, correct way. AH-thins. You are wrong. The worldly folks of Kentuckiana say it EIGHTH-ens. 8th-ens.

Ireland, Indiana

According to Wikipedia, “The town was once intended to be called American City, but changed to Ireland when the name was not approved by the post office department.” You might think the founders of Ireland, Indiana to be unoriginal, but going from American City to Ireland, as opposed to say, Townville or North Americaburg was a real flash of creativity.

Here is a fictionalized account of the founding of Ireland, Indiana.

Postmaster General: What is the name of your new American city?

Jedediah: American City.

Postmaster General: Sorry, this is a required field.

Jedediah: Oh, shoot. Um… Ireland.

Now that I think about it, Indianapolis is just a fancier, more specific version of American City. They took Indiana City and Greeked it up.

Anyone who thought that American City was a good town name is the kind of person who gets hype to The Music Man soundtrack, and is not be trusted with a town called Ireland, where one might expect to find a semi-decent St. Patrick’s Day celebration.

There you have it. An incomplete list of towns that are five cent versions of their namesakes. Like any copy of an original, these towns are grainier and more depressing than the places they were named after. These places are lucky to not have been sued for copyright infringement and defamation.