An Incomplete and Growing List of Suicide Timelines

I cannot kill my self while my dog is alive.

I cannot kill myself until this election is over.

I cannot kill myself before the solar eclipse.

I cannot kill myself until after Brian’s Super Bowl Party.

I cannot kill myself while my mom is on vacation.

I cannot kill myself until I get my will notarized.

I cannot kill myself until the end of this song.

I cannot kill myself until I’m out of debt.

I cannot kill myself this close to a meaningless break-up.

I cannot kill myself until I’m done cat sitting.

I cannot kill myself until I clean this house.

I cannot kill myself within a week of my birthday.

I cannot kill myself until I’m out of West Virginia.

I cannot kill myself until I’m skinny enough to have a cute and current memorial picture.

I cannot kill myself with this much laundry on the bed.

I cannot kill myself unless I find someone to sub for me in my game tomorrow.

I cannot kill myself while I have this mustache.

I cannot kill myself until I respond to her email.

I cannot kill myself in the middle of the Winter Olympics.

I cannot kill myself until I get back to my car.

I cannot kill myself before the next pay period.

I cannot kill myself without cancelling these dinner reservations.

I cannot kill myself until I’m sure I remembered to flush this morning.

I cannot kill myself until at least noon.

I cannot kill myself while my neighbors’ baby is sleeping.

I cannot kill myself until I talk to my parents on the phone this week.

I cannot kill myself while I have so many clearly unread books.

I cannot kill myself until after we go to Rehoboth.

I cannot kill myself while Kyle is in town.

I cannot kill myself until the Arby’s wrappers are out of my car.

I cannot kill myself until I write a better suicide note.

I cannot kill myself until it’s been at least a year since anyone else in my family has died.

I cannot kill myself until I’ve destroyed my old notebooks.

I cannot kill myself before l’ve seen the Northern Lights.