An Incomplete and Growing List of Math Lessons I’ve Learned From Going to Planet Fitness Every Day for Two Months

yellow < purple < all other colors

number of men in workout group / 2 = number of Chads in a workout group

[(my weight / my height) / my height] * how many people in the gym I see as more attractive than I am during my workout = how likely it is I will not eat healthily for dinner because fuck it

3 * (hours spent in Planet Fitness – hours spent using headphones) = number of non-self-selected Whitney Houston songs heard during workout

trucks in parking lot / vehicles in parking lot = percentage of people in gym doing zero cardio

that one exercise where people do weighted pelvic thrusts under the smith bar + number of times I see anyone doing said exercise = how uncomfortable and icky I feel

current sleeve length / original sleeve length = my willingness to listen anything you have to say

how much I make or avoid eye contact with a person in the mirror ^ 2 = how much I want to have sex with a person

[(age + cultural whiteness) * scrotum length^2] / self awareness = time spent naked in the men’s locker room