Implied Valor: The Best Way to Dress of the 4th of July

“…overall, I would rate this Señor Frog’s experience 7 out of 10 Corona Extra Lights.

“Ok, hombres, it’s time for a quick ad break, but don’t worry, this episode of South PODre Island will return after this quick message from our newest sponsor.”

Do you enjoy Supporting The Troops…

[WOMAN’S VOICE: Thank you for your service]

…using patriotism as a stand-in for your feelings of white supremacy…

[HAWK SCREECH THAT WE HAVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE IS A BALD EAGLE]

…but also, you wouldn’t mind if others erroneously assumed that you had served a tour or two?

[MEN’S VOICES: Oorah!]

Do you want a shirt that dog whistles this whole sentiment to everyone else at the barbecue this Fourth of July?

Then you need Implied Valor.

[MACHINE GUN FIRE + FAIR USE LENGTH CLIP OF JIMI HENDRIX’S “STAR SPANGLED BANNER”]

Implied Valor takes the warcore fashion movement that brands such as Under Armour and Grunt Style pioneered and pushes the envelope. Our trademark Infantry-ish Coat of Arms logo, fatigue style cotton blend tees, and Barely There Flag baseball caps will have strangers thanking you for your service. And you’re under no obligation to correct them.

[BOOTS RHYTHMICALLY HITTING THE GROUND]

There’s nothing more embarrassing than being called out while wearing the ensemble you picked up at the military surplus store. We’ve all seen the videos on YouTube. Implied Valor is here to serve and protect you from that embarrassment.

[BLUE ANGEL FLYOVER NOISES]

Our designers have fine tuned our styles to provide you with a look that says Honorable Discharge to civilians while looking completely innocuous to actual veterans and servicemembers.

[MAN’S VOICE: An army of one.]

Get the respect you deserve at the NAPA Auto Parts with our chic off-olive drab green tees with extra small sleeve openings to make you look ripped. Show your respect for the flag by wearing a hat that absolutely violates the flag code.

And for the female patriots, our designs now come in Thomas Paine Pink with a minimum of three fonts per shirt.

Implied Valor.

[SULTRY WOMAN’S VOICE: And Implied Lady Valor]

Honor Jesus’ favorite country proudly by letting the freedom-hating libs know that you would theoretically fight for her at home…

[GRAVELLY MAN’S VOICE: Applebee’s.] 

…and overseas.

[GRAVELLY MAN’S VOICE: Watch out Lebanon, we might have to liberate those unused natural resources.]

Implied Valor. Freedom ain’t free.

Use discount code HONORABLE DEFERMENT for 6 percent off.

“Aaaaand we’re back to South PODre Island. Bryce, I wanted to get your take on the Sandals Resort continental breakfast.”