I, Ted Cruz Have Reconsidered My Position on Having Only One Door in Schools to Prevent Shootings Because Obviously Zero Doors Would be Even Safer

In the wake of the tragic school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, there has been lots of finger pointing and politicizing from those sickos on the left. They think fewer guns would lead to fewer gun deaths, but there were no guns in the Bible, and there were tons of deaths there! We Republicans understand that it’s not that easy.

Yesterday I suggested that making every school have one door for everyone to enter and exit is the best way to stop future school shootings. If the door is well guarded by a SEAL Team Six member and a bald eagle strapped to the beak with ammo, there is no way a school shooter could breach it.

In light of new information, I would like to amend my statements from yesterday. Everyone would agree that one door is safer than the 10 or so doors an average school has, but what is safer than one door? ZERO DOORS!

My Zero Door Solution clearly is the best plan to secure America’s schools.

If every school has zero doors, there is no way for a school shooter to enter the building, and in turn, it would immediately bring down school shootings to a much more manageable number. Just like the writers of the Constitution intended!

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering, “If zero doors are safer than one door, than isn’t negative one doors safer than zero doors?” And you are absolutely right! If it were up to me, my kids’ schools would have negative infinity doors!

And even if, EVEN IF, a school shooter somehow found a way into a zero-doored school, I guarantee you, they would never be able to get out! That is just the start of the Zero Door Solution. Additionally, we are going to paint a fake door on one school wall, to trick school shooters into trying to enter, like the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. SPLATTTT!

Unfortunately, Democrats would never agree to such strong and swift action. These feckless donkeys will tell you that you have to have doors on a school, because they are bought and sold by the door lobby. It’s perverse and sickening that they would want to give more options for school shooters to get to our defenseless babies. Some of us are pro-life and others, like these disgusting Democrats, are pro-choice when it comes to school shooters and doors.

But everyone knows Democrats and Big Door have been in bed since they politicized the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. Everything is just theater for them.

Perhaps you’ll hear the enemies of this country—those psychopathic, scheming, and blood thirsty libtards—trying to use our superior logic against us! HA! They’ll suggest that if zero doors are less deadly than 10 doors, which we all agree it is, isn’t zero guns less deadly than ten guns? Classic whataboutism tactics I won’t even dignify with a response, at least not until after Memorial Day recess.