How Taylor Swift Really Got That Deadpool Costume

Ryan Reynolds jerks awake.

He blinks around, staring into complete darkness. He’s groggy, but aware.

The sound of stilettos clip clop down the stairs, piercing the silence. He struggles against his wrist restraints.

Blake Lively lights the way, her rose gold iPhone illuminating the chamber. Taylor Swift follows behind, Meredith in hand.

“Hiiii, Ryan,” she coos. “Could you do me like, the nicest solid in the history of ever??”

“Over my dead body,” he spits.

“Honey, you know those aren’t the rules,” Blake whispers, kissing him on the cheek.

“Ugh, I’m like, sooo tired. Mind if I get comfortable?” Taylor asks, kicking off her shoes.

Ryan glares at her.

Taylor sets Meredith down and unzips her human skin, tossing it aside.

Lizard-Taylor cracks her neck. “There, much better.”

From her pocket, she pulls a piece of red and black rubber and swings it carelessly. She approaches Ryan.

“It’s Halloween, and I found a little something for my costume…”

Ryan’s eyes widen. He recognizes the fabric. His Deadpool outfit. “No, no! Anything but that.”

“I don’t need to remind you of what happened to Tom when he wouldn’t let me borrow his Loki costume, do I?” Lizard-Taylor hisses, stroking Ryan’s chin with a single claw.

A light switches on to reveal the soul of Tom Hiddleston, carefully encased in a glass cell.

Disembodied, ethereal hands pound the glass. “Ryan! Ryan, mate, they took my body! They drained my blood! We gotta get out of here –” The light shuts off, and the sounds stop.

Ryan gulps.

“Well, you already found the costume. Why can’t you just take it, already?” He barks.

“She needs your Instagram blessing,” Blake says, scooping up Meredith before sitting on his lap.

Meredith begins to lick Ryan’s face.

“Kiss my ass,” Ryan grimaces.

Lizard-Taylor laughs. She presses a button on her remote. A screen drops down from the ceiling. 2011’s Green Lantern plays.

Ryan turns away. Meredith jumps down.

“Turn it off,” he pleads. Blake pulls his head to face the screen. Tears begin to well up in his eyes. He remembers what he used to be. The tears stream down his face.

Lizard-Taylor brings the Deadpool suit up to Ryan’s face. She catches a single tear with it. The tear turns to blood. Lizard-Taylor presses the fabric to her face, inhaling the smell. The suit shrinks, molding itself to Taylor’s human proportions.

“Thanks, babe,” Blake smiles at him, and blinks. Her eyes flash black, and she bares her fangs. She hops off his lap. Ryan’s tears turn to choking sobs.

Taylor puts her human skin back on. “Now that wasn’t so hard, was it? It’s not like I had to write a song about you.” Taylor scoffs. She tugs at her heart locket, engraved with the number “13” on it. She opens the clasp. Guttural screams and shrieks echo in the basement, the helpless moans of John Mayer, Joe Jonas, and Calvin Harris reverberate off the walls. Ryan yells in anguish, shaking his wrists and wriggling in his confines. Taylor laughs.

“Thank you soooo much, Ry. I’ll have this back in one piece, I promise. I know you’ve got a sequel to do.” Taylor walks up the stairs, hand-in-hand with Blake.

“We’ll be back for Thanksgiving — it’ll be Friendsgiving, in the Hamptons! You’re making vegan muffins!” They both laugh. The door closes. Ryan is left in the darkness. He tries to calm down, breathing quickly. He has served his purpose.

For now.