How Are Babies Made? Your Friend With No Kids Explains

“How are babies made?”

Well, sweet little child… When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much they decide to surrender all their free time. It starts with some hugging and kissing and grows into the forfeiture of independence and self-identity.

You know how mommy and daddy like their alone time and sometimes close the door to their room? Well, metaphorically they did that to their friends, abandoning all those weekends together getting into mischief and having legendary good times. Years and years of traditions, swept aside to make room for baby toys. Last calls became early bird specials, and soon thereafter all of mommy and daddy;s drinking problems concern trouble with latching. It’s as if they’ve thrown the thirtysomething out with the bathwater.

See, society made your mommy and daddy believe that making you was the most important thing in their lives. So important, in fact, that they gave up all other priorities. Now, it’s not all their fault. For a long time, cultural messages have pushed a specific narrative of what a family should be and the mass media drove home the importance of the nuclear family.

Like many other loving couples, your parents had a misconception that growing up and being responsible was linked to reproduction.

When mommy and daddy met each other, they were spontaneous and fun-loving. Their proclivity to say “yes” to new adventures drew them together in the first place.

They had lots of goals, both professionally and socially. Your parents were world travelers who prided themselves on seeing, tasting, and experiencing the world. They had promised each other to never stop exploring because they had seen it charmingly written on an Airbnb guest book in Thailand (it ended up being a guerilla advertising campaign for North Face, but that’s neither here nor there).

Your parents loved camping, and now won’t travel anywhere without a Purell baptism. Mommy and daddy stayed up until the A.M.s and woke up in the P.M.s. That’s when the little hand went all the way past the 12. Believe it or not, before you came along, they were the ones who napped everyday.

Those endless adventures very much ended when they created you. They didn’t just give up their hobbies, but also many professional aspirations too. Lots of babies grow up big and strong, thanks to their moms and dads (but mostly moms) putting their lives in a holding pattern—whether they want to or not.

This is because the many, many old white guys who run Congress do not support maternity leave. Also, societal expectations place a lot of pressure on mommies. If or when parents return to the workplace, it’s a lot harder to be sharp at 9 A.M. sharp, after they’ve already done preschool dropoffs. Or to beat that 4 P.M. feeling after sleeping only 4 non-consecutive hours the night before because someone was crying all night. But it doesn’t say that on the packaging.

So to summarize, babies are made through lots of pressure, social narratives, misplaced priorities, and others’ expectations. I’m so glad we were able to have this talk!

Are you still chasing your golden days here with #TeamJosh or in it for the kids with #TeamMelissa? The debate continues on The Prompt’s Facebook and Twitter. We want to hear from you!