Hot Takes Tuesday with {Jack O’Shea}: the Golden State Warriors and Taylor Swift Are Evil

Hot Takes for Tuesday June 13, 2017

Presented by Bop It XT 

1. Taylor Swift sucks.

Taylor Swift recently re-added her catalogue to Spotify, which I can only assume was just a passive aggressive act to piss off Katy Perry. A lot of people are really pumped about this, but for me it’s just a reminder of the fact that in 2014 T-Swizzle pulled her music off of the app because she felt she wasn’t getting a fair cut of the royalties.

OK, I totally understand wanting to make more money. Hell, I’ve been trying to sell my middle school art projects on Etsy for the past few months. Sure, they’re priceless memories from my childhood, but I want Yeezys, and that shit ain’t cheap.

But Taylor Swift has a crazy large and insanely dedicated fanbase of “Swifties,” and pulling her songs off Spotify was essentially the same thing as Taylor demanding $50 from each of her fans who wanted to listen to her entire catalogue. That’s a great business move, sure, but it’s also a heartless one. She’s worth $250 million dollars… TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS! That’s stupid money. That’s Master P money. Taylor could buy approximately 833,333.3 (repeating of course) Bop Its with that kind of money.

In other words, Taylor Swift is the Martin Shkreli of the music industry.

And the thing is, I was actually a huge Taylor Swift fan up until 2014 (when she pulled that Spotify crap and released 1989).

When Taylor released her first self-titled album in 2006, I was but a humble 13 year-old boy deep in the trenches of puberty and a country music phase. I was 15 when she released her second album, Fearless, in 2008. So needless to say, her song “Fifteen” struck a major chord in my testosterone-pumping body.

And when Taylor jumped genres from country to pop music in 2012 with her album, Red, I was totally supportive. Music critics and Jack O’Sheas everywhere couldn’t deny the fact that Red was full of nothing but straight PB & Jams. I mean, let’s get real, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is only bested by Britney Spears’ “Stronger” when it comes to breakup songs.

The REAL Queen Bee.

But around 2014, I realized that the Taylor Swift I knew and loved for nearly a decade was nothing but a façade. Tay-Tay’s 2014 album, 1989, is just flat out NOT good. It’s somehow TOO catchy. It sounds like it was created in a lab by a bunch of satanic scientists who developed an algorithm for maximizing record sales. “Shake It Off” sounds like a jingle Dairy Queen might use for their new line of low-calorie milkshakes.

This was also the point when I realized that all of my favorite Taylor Swift songs are about small town romance. “Our Song” and “You Belong With Me” are the type of tunes people in Iowa play at their weddings. But the real Taylor Swift isn’t about small town romance, or true love, or fairytales, or anything else that could plausibly be a metaphor for a Nicholas Sparks novel/movie.

T-Swizzle ain’t about that shizzle.

No! If you’ve ever taken a glance at the tabloids while waiting in the checkout line of a grocery store, you’ll know that Taylor Swift only dates people with 2+ million Instagram followers. She dates actors, musicians, and sometimes Kennedys. Basically, she only dates guys who could who could possibly guest star in a few episodes of Friends as a love interest of Rachel.

And she only dates them for 1-9 months at a time. Isn’t that kind of weird? Like, a few short-lived romances is one thing, but Taylor Swift has dated (and written songs about) more than a dozen guys that we know about. I can only hypothesize that she isn’t the world’s greatest significant other.

And the whole “squad” thing drives me nuts. That’s some Mean Girls cliquey-ass bullshit.

Who above the age of 25 gives their close-knit group of friends a “group name?” That’s sooooo high school. Granted, I have a group of friends and we call ourselves “Keller’s Book Club,” but I’m only 24 so it doesn’t really count yet.

P.S. – Taylor, if for some reason you are reading this, I don’t really mean it. And I’d obviously be happy to join your “squad.”

Take Temperature:

9/10 — Stacy’s Mom.

 

2. Google needs to make a Google Ocean.

Like many people are, and everyone should be, I am absolutely terrified of the ocean.

Besides the 100 million sharks actively looking for their next meal, the ocean is also home to stingrays, crabs, box jellyfish, riptides, rogue waves, pirate ghosts, mantis shrimp, and (potentially) mermaids. But, even though all of those things live in a constant state of trying to kill me, what really terrifies me is the mystery.

Humans have only explored 5 percent of the ocean. We’ve sent dudes up to the moon, we’ve put a little robot guy on Mars, and we’ve invented 10 different versions of Bop It, but somehow we haven’t had the time to check out the pool in our backyard!

This makes no sense to me. Sure, it’s probably an expensive venture, but if the cartoons from my childhood have taught me anything, it’s that the ocean floor is absolutely littered with buried treasure. So, in the end Google (or Elon Musk) would probably come out in the black when all is said and done.

Everyone wins. Google maps out the entire ocean, pockets some doubloons for the shareholders, and we get to find out once and for all whether or not Megalodons still exist.

Spoiler Alert: They do.

Take Temperature:

1/10 – This isn’t a hot take. Just a really good idea.

3. You’re a bad person if you’re rooting for the Warriors.

According to the Internet, the vast majority of people were rooting for the Warriors in the NBA Finals. There are only four reasons why someone would be rooting for the Warriors in this NBA Finals:

1. They’re from the Bay Area.
2. They’re a bandwagon fan.
3. They hate LeBron.
4. They’ve got money on the Warriors.

If you’re from the Bay Area, you get a pass. Root for your hometown team. If you’ve got money on the Warriors, I feel you. It’s probably a smart bet.

Make dat money.

But… if you were rooting for the Warriors for the same reason that you’re a diehard Patriots fan, you just suck. You’re everything that is wrong with the world. I hope every movie you ever see for the rest of your life gets spoiled.

And if youwere rooting for the Warriors because you hate LeBron James, and you just wanted to see him lose, you’re not just a hater. You’re also wrong and here’s why…

People hate LeBron for a large number of reasons, but most of them can be summarized by:

1. He created the concept of the super team.
2. You’re #TeamJordan in the whole Jordan vs. LeBron debate.
3. You think LeBron’s a flopper.

We here at Hot Takes Tuesday are here to dismantle this garbage.

1. He created the concept of the super team.

For starters, LeBron didn’t create the concept of the super team. Far from it. In my lifetime, the first super team was the Boston Celtics’ Big 3, when Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen joined Paul Pierce in Boston for the 2007-08 NBA season and absolutely ran train on the league, ultimately winning the championship.

In 2010, LeBron and Chris Bosh joined Dwyane Wade on the Miami Heat, sure enough creating another super team. Do I like the concept of the super team? Hell no. But LeBron certainly didn’t create it himself. And if you are against the man for this illogical reason, you should hate the Warriors even MORE than you hate LBJ.

Sure, Golden State did acquire Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, and Draymond Green fair and square out of the NBA Draft, but when they acquired Kevin Durant last offseason, the Warriors became the worst offenders of this whole super team fiasco. Hell, Kevin Durant (AKA the second best player in the last decade) jumping to the Warriors can really only be compared to the Soviet Union shacking up with the Allies in World War II.

And trying to compare Kevin Durant going to Golden State to LeBron going to Miami is absolutely insane. When LeBron and Bosh joined the Heat, Miami was coming off a mediocre 47-35 season. When KD went to Golden State, they were coming off the GREATEST REGULAR SEASON IN NBA HISTORY!

2. You’re #TeamJordan in the Michael Jordan vs. LeBron debate.

OK, I totally understand. Most people are on Team Jordan whenever this debate comes up. After all, Space Jam is a glorious movie, and if Michael is good enough for the Looney Tunes, he’s definitely good enough for me.

All time movie kiss right here.

But, here’s the thing, Michael Jordan isn’t playing in the NBA Finals right now. He’s probably in Hollywood filming another Hanes t-shirt commercial or something. So even though it might seem like LeBron is always going to be playing against the ghost of Michael Jordan, he’s not.

Also, LBJ is DEFINITELY better than MJ. But that’s a conversation for another time…

3. You think LeBron’s a Flopper.

True. LeBron does go down suspiciously easy. And he does complain to the refs… a lot.

Don’t get me wrong. I hate flopping as much as the next guy. It’s the main reason why I refuse to acknowledge soccer as a real sport. But, do you know what other players flop in the NBA?

Fuckin’ every player.

Flopping is sadly a part of the game now. And no one complains to the refs more than the nut kicker himself, Draymond Green.

And Steph Curry…

And Kevin Durant…

So rooting for the Warriors because you think LeBron James is a whiny complainer is just flat out hypocritical.

So, in summary, if you were rooting for the Warriors for any other reason besides currently living in the Bay Area or supporting your gambling addiction, you’re not the type of person that I would let my non-existent teenage daughter date.

Have her home by 11… son.

Take Temperature:

7/10 — (7/10) Daniel Kaluuya’s character survives in Get Out.

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