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Hot Takes for Tuesday May 30, 2017
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1. Aaron Carter is a liar, and it breaks my darn heart.
Even to this day, no music has ever sounded quite as good as Aaron Carter’s “I Want Candy” did to my 8 year-old ears. To me, “I Want Candy” wasn’t just a catchy pop tune, it was a way of life. I really did want candy. So you can imagine how confused and foolish I felt when I found out that my personal anthem was actually about a girl named Candy, not an endless supply of Sour Punch Straws.
This is what I had in mind.
There was a time when Aaron Carter was, for lack of a better term, the bee’s knees. His hooks were catchy. His tips were frosty. At the age of 13, he was simultaneously dating both Hilary Duff and Amanda Bynes. He was the cat’s pajamas.
He had it all.
And then… Aaron’s Party ended, his fame and fortune fading away faster than the flavor in a stick of Fruit Stripe Gum. Everyone forgot about him, including his biggest fan… me.
Until a few months ago, when I happened upon Aaron Carter while perusing The Backstreet Boys’ related artists on Spotify. I was hit with a wave of nostalgia—taken back to a time when BIONICLES ruled the earth—and, sadly, began to understand why Aaron’s flame burned out so quickly.
He sucks. And he’s a liar.
He’s just not good. His hooks are cliché. His lyrics are cheesy. His voice can only be described by a dispassionate shrug of the shoulders. And there is no better example of Aaron’s lack of talent than perhaps his fourth greatest hit, “That’s How I Beat Shaq.”
So now, if you’ll indulge me, I’m going to break down a select few of the absurd lyrics from Aaron’s single.
Aaron: Yo guys, check it out / Guess what happened to me.
Aaron’s Friends: Another crazy story? Come on AC!
Even at the beginning of the song, Aaron’s friends let us know that we shouldn’t trust a single word this twerp says. At best, he’s an exaggerator. At worst, he’s a pathological liar.
Aaron: I was hanging at the court / Just playing some ball / Working on my game.
Aaron’s Friends: Yeah, we heard it all.
Aaron: I heard the fans screaming.
OK, so now Aaron begins to paint the scene a little bit. He gives us some insight as to what he did that day, which is totally plausible. But, then Aaron informs us that there are literally fans at this shitty little Tampa Bay park, rooting for a 13 year-old as he practices his jump shot. This is where the story gets truly unbelievable.
Aaron: I thought it was for me / But then I saw a shadow / It was 12 foot 3 / It was Shaquille O’Neal!
Shaq? The Big Aristotle? Just showing up at some dingy playground out of the blue?
Aaron’s Friends: What? What did he say?
I can’t believe they’re falling for this.
Shaq: How ’bout some one-on-one, do you wanna play?
Aaron: I told him why not, I got some time / But when I beat you real bad / Try not to cry
This little pop star has some balls to be talking shit to the most dominant NBA player in his prime.
Aaron’s Friends: Please Aaron, are you for real? / One-on-one with Shaquille O’Neal?
How gullible are these kids?
Aaron: Stared at Shaq, psyche him out / I said O’Neal, you’re in my house now
Shaquille O’Neal could probably give Aaron a concussion by sneezing.
Aaron: Start the game, the whistle blows
When did a ref get here?
Aaron then continues to tell us the story of how he beat Shaquille O’Neal in a spontaneous game of one-on-one basketball. I can say with 98 percent certainty that Aaron did not in fact beat Shaq. Hell, I doubt the game occurred at all.
Even Aaron’s explanation for how he beat O’Neal is suspiciously ambiguous. According to the pop star, “It was like boom.” Apparently, he “put it in the hoop like slam.” He was then inspired by the support of his fans when he “heard the crowd screaming out jam.” These are just sounds, Aaron! SOUNDS!
So, needless to say, I am no longer Aaron Carter’s biggest fan. We already live in a world of deception, and to lie to millions of kids about a basketball game is just irresponsible and childish.
Take Temperature:
6/10 – Roll the windows down if you’re leaving your dog in the car.
2. Blue is the best smell.
I don’t have a great sense of smell, probably because I spent a significant portion of my childhood sniffing these bad boys.
How were these legal?
As a result, flowers all smell the same to me, laundry detergents all smell the same to me, and unless something is truly pungent, I probably won’t notice it. This is another reason why sharks scare the hell out of me. They can supposedly detect the scent of blood from like a mile away. I mean, what the hell is that about?
But even with a poor sense of smell, I know that blue things smell the best.
That’s the good stuff.
Let’s consult with our old friend ROY G BIV for the official ruling on color smells:
- Red is either too sweet or too cinnamon-y. Neither is good.
- Orange—let me guess—smells like citrus. BORING!
- Yellow? The worst! Don’t even get me started on yellow.
- Green is just like grass clippings and fake mint and the worst apples.
- Let’s skip blue for now, acknowledging its obvious dominance.
- Indigo is barely a color, so how can I even dignify it with a smell at all?
- There are too many purple flowers, and, as I already noted, flowers all smell the same. Disqualified.
I don’t know what it is about blue. When it comes to aromas, blue is just better. Who’s going to disagree with that?
Take Temperature:
4/10 — Aren’t blue stars the hottest or something?
Like what you read this week? Enjoy last week’s #HotTakesTuesday with Jack O’Shea. And don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for another issue of Hot Takes Tuesday with Jack O’Shea, brought to you by.
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