Government Encourages Nation to Continue Donating Blood, Giving Prayers

Washington, D.C.: The morning after the deadliest mass shooting in American history, the U.S. government encouraged weary citizens to continue showing their support and compassion by donating blood and offering thoughts and prayers. The Las Vegas, Nevada massacre eclipsed the Pulse nightclub shootings in Orlando, Florida, leading some elected officials to excitedly believe the response could generate a massive outpouring of goodwill. However, other government leaders anxiously worried about the strain on a nation already stretched to their limit by the recent hurricane-related destruction in Texas, Florida, and Puerto Rico.

“We understand that these unprecedented, unforeseeable, and unpreventable tragedies are painful to fathom. Back-to-back-to-back, they are almost incomprehensible in the scope of their destruction and anguish,” said Brock Long, Administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). “But we know that Americans will come together as a people to roll up their sleeves and continue giving forth their purest and most versatile of humors, blood. Do not be misguided by so-called ‘fake news’ guidelines that say you can only donate every 8 weeks. You all are capable of far greater bounty.”

In a statement to reporters assembled in the Rose Garden, Vice President Mike Pence called for Americans to continue to keep the victims of the Las Vegas attack in their hearts. “The strength of America and its people is not in how she solves problems, but how she reacts to ones that have never, and will never, be solved. Now is the time for all of us to stand united, our hearts and souls shackled together in ritual chanting, to honor the victims’ memories.” Pence paused as the room fell silent, his nostrils flaring as a faint whiff of brimstone issued forth from the podium.

Some Americans, however, protested what they see as inaction on the part of government officials. “We need strong and decisive action from our our leaders to solve our problems and prevent violence! We don’t need meaningless statements!” shouted Kendra Holmes, leader of a group of concerned citizens from nearby Fairfax County, Virginia. Kendra and her group have been standing outside Capitol Hill with a bullhorn since Monday afternoon, taking turns booing and shouting at members of Congress as they came and went.

But Congressional leaders assured the public there was simply no more that could be done to prevent or limit gun violence, weather-driven catastrophes, or other man-made disasters. “LET THE SANGUINE DELIGHTS AND KEENING VERSES CONTINUE UNABATED,” pronounced House Speaker Paul Ryan as he walked up the steps to the Capitol Building. “POUR FORTH YOUR PLEAS AND ESSENCE SO THAT THE RECKONING ARRIVES AS SCHEDULED,” he cackled, before he was ushered inside by a harried-looking aide.