Prompt Images
May 1st, 2043
National Headlines
Menlo Park, California – Yesterday at corporate headquarters, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerburg unveiled the first dating app exclusively for chatbots. Byte, developed in collaboration between leading human scientists and AI, is designed to optimize intimate experiences between consenting artificial individuals seeking deeper, more fulfilling relationships. At the corporate launch event, Zuckerburg introduced Sheila689 and X7MagicMike, a happy AI couple now permanently connected via HDMI cable, who met during beta testing.
Rochester, Minnesota – Doctors at the Mayo Clinic announced a partnership with professional sports organizations to advance the athletic longevity of athletes. Dr. Stanley Mandible has developed a laboratory process for the regeneration of damaged organs and critical muscular tissue, quickly and painlessly. In an interview with Health Today, Dr. Mandible stated, “The legalization of anabolic steroids was just the beginning. With this advancement, our beloved celebrity athletes will be able to entertain us, well, indefinitely.” Sports pundits universally embrace the societal move from competition purism to entertainment maximization, asserting it was long overdue.
Washington, D.C. – The Office of Management and Grift (OMG!) yesterday announced that the U.S. national debt has reached the once-unimaginable figure of $100 trillion. In a heavily redacted report, an unnamed official concluded that “The U.S. is now basically wholly owned by China.” Leaders of both parties reacted by repeating the notion that, despite reaching this inglorious milestone, the U.S. has never been stronger and more in control of its future prosperity.” Last month, China announced an end to its decades-long purchases of U.S. debt instruments as it began an unprecedented U.S. bond selloff. With the 2041 official end to all U.S. entitlement programs, social security, and military veterans’ benefits, the U.S. appears on track to pay off all outstanding government bonds by 2757.
Evansville, Illinois – Tucker’s Bistro, the city’s last authentic food restaurant, announced it will be closing next week. Restaurant owners Jim and Sandy Tucker cite changing consumer tastes, the rise of synthetic food popularity and the scarcity and cost of naturally grown food as primary reasons for closing.
Atlantic City, New Jersey – Once referred to as America’s Playground, the East Coast gambling paradise is thriving once again. With two new online gambling enterprises establishing corporate headquarters in the city (21BLACK and BetOnAnything (BOA)), Atlantic City is now flush in tax revenue. First to pioneer online gambling on local weather, 21BLACK brings the first comprehensive sports book on daily local temperature, humidity, and dew point to every smartphone.
Regional News
Republic of Texas – Eleven first graders at Parkland Elementary in Tyler, Texas are being called heroes for subduing and neutralizing an armed gunman at their school yesterday. Six-year-old Hunter Garrison is credited for fast thinking, leading his classmates out of finger-painting class to safety, while organizing two male classmates to corner the assailant with state-issued SIG Sauer P365 handguns. President Greg Abbott hailed the children’s bold actions as validation that pre-K mandatory weapons training policies really work.
Jacksonville, Freedomville – Freedomville’s Supreme Leader, Ron DeSantis, this week declared war on rainbows. Spring rains have brought an unusual number of rainbows to the Sunshine Kingdom. Speaking on state TV, the Supreme Leader continued his 20-year war on wokeness by declaring the atmospheric phenomenon a “deliberate meteorological attack on freedom by the godless liberal north. At the Freedomville annual May Day parade, DeSantis laughed maniacally as he opened the event by unleashing a brigade of firetrucks with a new, secret colorizing chemical that turned a panoramic post-rain morning rainbow blood red.
Keystone, Northern Lands – On the fifth anniversary of cessation from the United States, officials at Mount Rushmore State Park, formerly of Keystone, South Dakota announced the second phase of renovations of the park to include additional re-identifications of the venerated “Four Presidents” monument. Last year’s re-the identification of the Washington monument to a scowling Donald Trump has been the No. 1 tourist attraction in the Northern Lands in 2052. Park officials announced the remaining three monuments will be re-identified with the likenesses of Sarah Palin, Andrew Breitbart, and Rush Limbaugh.
Around The World
North Ocean – Scientists determined the last trace of what was once defined as the “North Pole” is finally no more. The last visible ice flue that once anchored a flourishing ecosystem of penguins, sea otters, and even the small manufacturing enterprise of Santa Claus, has now been wholly consumed by the North Ocean. Carnival Cruise Lines has announced a new Top Of The World summer booze cruise experience set to launch its maiden voyage next summer. Come North: Where the sun never sets, and the party never stops.
Rondônia, Brazil – Town officials completed clearing a 5,000 square kilometer section of the Amazon rainforest, just outside the rural town, to make way for Brazil’s first Amazon Fulfillment Center. Local Rondônians appeared jubilant at the groundbreaking ceremony, thrilled to finally be getting same-day delivery service for machetes, mosquito netting, and bottled water. At a celebration event with Jeff Bezos, Rondonia mayor Jose Maria Cardoso joyfully exclaimed, “Amazon has finally come to the Amazon.”
Brussels, Belgium – Lifestyles Healthcare announced another blockbuster product joining their personal pleasure product line, a follow-up to the global super-product, The Hour-Long Orgasm. Company CEO Jules Peeters described the release of their newest product, The Four-Hour Orgasm, as “one hell of a release.” Last year, The Hour-Long Orgasm literally changed humanity, making sexual intercourse passe, while dramatically reducing violent crime rates and sexual assaults worldwide. On an investor call last week, Peeters envisioned a spectacular world where humans focused on “very little other than remaining in a dopey, incoherent, orgasmic state.” The announcement sent Lifestyles stock up 97 percent at Friday’s closing bell.
The Hague, Netherlands – Vladimir Putin, convicted war criminal and disgraced former President of Russia (2000-2025), died today in a Scheveningen prison. Regarded as the leader of a global era of authoritarianism and fascism that brought ruin to much of Eastern Europe from 2022-2025, Putin is credited for the expansion of NATO and the severe depletion of Russian resources in support of European reconstruction. He was 90 years old.
Intergalactic Happenings
Bonanno, Eastern Moon – SpaceX announced a partnership with U.S. Ecology to establish the first Waste Shuttle transfer station service to the Eastern Moon. U.S. Ecology projects 450 million cubic tons of Earth’s manmade refuse will be transferred to the Eastern Moon landfill by 2050.
New York, NY – The National Football League announced the 2043 schedule will include two intergalactic games. The Muskow Rocketeers will take on the Prime Amazites twice next season. The first contest will be held week five at the moon’s SpaceX Arena, the site of last year’s 117-110 thrilling Amazite comeback victory. Week eleven will see these interplanetary rivals take each other on in the first contest ever on Mars.
Feel Good News Today
Jerusalem, Israel – One of the holiest sites on Earth played host to a historic meeting last week in Jerusalem. At the Temple Mount, stunned tourists and onlookers reported spotting Muhammad, Buddha and Jesus Christ speaking thoughtfully to each other in front of the El Kas Fountain. A Jerusalem Post reporter in the square at the time managed to get the three prophets “on the record.” In his native Hebrew, Jesus spoke to the Jewish reporter for the group. Breaking the group’s last everything bagel, Jesus offered the reporter a blessing. Placing His holy hands on the reporter’s, Jesus spoke in his native Hebrew. “…Hay vav raish yud bet lamed…,” which translates, “You people are seriously f*&%#d up.”
RELATED
