If Elected: Español Para Todos

If elected,

Bald and balding people will be given a monthly head shaving stipend.

All U.S. citizens must perform a minimum of 2 years of civil or military service between the ages of 18 and 22. This service will count toward future college credit or another form of job training accreditation.

It will be legal for anyone to buy glasses or contacts without consulting an optometrist, as long as they are willing to sign a waiver accepting responsibility for their choices.

I will ban designs on t-shirts made for women that are difficult to read or see due to boob-stretch, as I am tired of looking like a creep when I’m only trying to figure out what a shirt says.

People will be required to itemize a portion of their taxes for specific public programs they actually care about.

I will force myself to learn to speak Spanish, then force you to learn to speak Spanish. You only don’t have to learn Spanish if you already speak Spanish, in which case, you have to learn English. If you already know Spanish and English, you spin a wheel and whatever language it lands on, you have to learn.

I will talk a lot and you will have to listen. Occasionally in Spanish.