Dr. Manners and the Etiquette of {Knock Knocking}

In a world torn apart by incivility, polite behavior may be the sole separation between man and animal. As the only advice columnist with an advanced degree in etiquette, Dr. Manners stands at the ready to elucidate, clarify, and educate.

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Dearest Genteel Readers: Dr. Manners has been asked to provide a definitive answer to various door-related etiquette for this week’s edition of The Prompt. Although on sabbatical, Dr. Manners is obliged to provide, owing to mounting financial difficulties presented by an uncommonly unscrupulous financial adviser, one extremely impolite police officer, and a remarkably uncouth electrician. Do read on and be enlightened.

Dear Dr. Manners: Is there a polite way to knock on a door? I was told that my knocking on the door to my sister’s place was rude and I should just call to let her know I’m there.

Genteel Reader: As with many of life’s etiquette questions, the answer depends on the context. Consider the situation if you are paying a social call to a friend’s house. You are expected, of course; surely you have worked out a mutually agreeable time for you to arrive. The knock on the door is merely to announce your presence, and should be viewed the same way as if you called while in the driveway. If, however, you are a rather rude member of the police, come to intrude on the solitude of a learned man of letters, you are certainly not expected. A knock on the door is not merely to announce your presence but also to convey a sense of urgency to the inhabitants. The knock itself is not rude. Instead, consider that you, yourself, may be rude in interrupting an otherwise quiet evening with a light wine and the stylings of George Gershwin.

(Are we quite done yet, Madame Editor? Dr. Manners would quite like to collect his check, if so.

… very well.)

Dear Dr. Manners: My roommate Brad keeps banging on my door when me and my girlfriend Becky’re going at it. Dude says he can’t concentrate on his work but we all know he’s just pissed because Becky dumped his ass last week on Spring Break. Anyway, how do I get him to respect the rule of “if the bed’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’?”

(Madame Editor, these are truly the type of people your readers are? Dr. Manners is not inclined to dignify this with a response.

… no, Dr. Manners would still like to get paid. Very well.)

Genteel Reader: Dr. Manners regrets to inform you that there is no such rule regarding coital relations and doors. When cohabiting with others, though, the twin consideration of mutual respect and firmly established boundaries are paramount. Where there is friction between roommates, it can only be resolved by open dialogue, preferably without the presence of any, ah, third parties. Dr. Manners suggests that after such a conversation that you both form a compact: a written document suggesting what—

Hey Dr. Manners: Brad here. Chad’s just pissed because he’s getting my sloppy seconds and my new chick has a much bigger rack. You can tell him he can write up a roommate contract and I’ll use it next time I’m taking a crap.

(Madame Editor, this is highly irregular. Dr. Manners must protest—this interruption is rude, and clearly has nothing to do with doors.)

Yeah it does, man. Ashley has huge knockers. There’s your doors. Now tell him he’s a wuss.

Dr. Manners, you can tell Brad that’s not what his mom said last night.

(Madame Editor, please, surely Dr. Manners has filled up his column space by now, one would hope…?

Ah, thank you.)

Dr. Manners my be using the term loosely, but gentlemen, Dr. Manners bids you a good day. Unfortunately, there are some problems beyond the scope of etiquette. You two may feel free to resolve your differences in whatever means you are able to comprehend.  Regrettably, Dr. Manners must pay a visit to the local magistrate and settle a dispute. Feel free to “knock yourselves out,” as it were.