{Discomfort} Foods: The Garbage We Eat Because It’s “Good” For Us

If we’re being honest with each other, I have been itching to Power Rank. For some reason, ranking powerfulness just does it for me. I am jonesing like a crackhead to make a 1-10 list and give my opinion as to why things are slotted where. Rank is my crank… I can’t help it.

In order to feed the beast, I have decided to just rank other stuff… football-related or not. In the spirit of “not,” here are my power rankings of Discomfort Food, ranked by how uncomfortable they are to eat.

1. Greek Yogurt

Comfort Food is defined as “food that provides consolation or a feeling of well-being, typically any with a high sugar or other carbohydrate content and associated with childhood or home cooking.” Not exactly how you would describe this thick, sour dairy concoction. The Greeks have given us some wonderful things (gyros, the Olympics, butt sex) but as a society I think we need to agree that their yogurt is fucking garbage, and we only eat it to be healthy or trendy. Team Dannon Fruit on the Bottom all day everyday off-camera every way.

2. Kale

Speaking of healthy and trendy, has any food ever come out of obscurity like kale? Talk about a hell of a marketing campaign. A leafy green once used primarily as a buffet table ice garnish is now our country’s most predominant “Super Food.” Nobody has warm memories of going to Grandma’s house for the holidays and curling up on the couch with a bowl of kale.

3. Raw Oysters

Let me preface this by saying that I am an oyster guy. Fried oysters, Rockefeller style, po’ boys… these are all comfort foods. I also find enjoyment in sucking down a dozen raw Wellfleets on a summer afternoon. That said, even I can admit that there is something very uncomfortable about eating raw oysters (probably definitely the texture). You need to be in the right mood, in the right environment, sipping the right drink and most importantly at the right establishment. If any of these factors are a bit “off” you could find yourself in a bad situation.

4. Pulp

I’m a big orange juice guy and can’t start my day without a couple swigs of that Tropicana Original goodness. One thing I will never understand is why in Brady’s name people insist on ruining OJ by PURPOSELY buying the kind with pulp in it. If you’re some try-hard who squeezes it yourself, I won’t complain that you don’t have a sophisticated de-pulping method, but if you intentionally stock your fridge with Grovestand, I will be a very disappointed house guest. Seriously, fuck pulp.

5. Sunflower Seeds

As a former high school baseball player I have probably consumed thousands of sunflower seeds in my life. A nice salty distraction from the realization that you’re playing a really slow game. What can’t be ignored is how horribly tedious they are to eat. A comfort snack should not require the same tongue agility that it takes to tie a cherry stem in a knot. Separating the seed from the shell is a chore, and then you need somewhere to spit… great for wasting time outdoors but a complete disaster as a leisurely nut.

6. Cold Soup

In my life prior to being a part-time blogger I made my living as a server and bartender at country clubs. My first job was at “The” Country Club in Brookline MA, which finally admitted a certain GOAT just last week. The only two unwavering staples on the menu at TCC were gazpacho and vichyssoise. Gazpacho is a cold tomato/vegetable soup while vichyssoise (also served chilled) is a puree of leeks, onion, potato and cream. Each fall somewhere between blah and gross. If you’re in the mood for real soup and are served either of these, you will be very disappointed. Rich people are weird.

7. Candy Corn

Candy corn is the Ted Cruz of Halloween candy. Have you ever met anyone who actually likes candy corn? No you haven’t. The only thing worse than the garbage taste is the fact that it will be stuck in your teeth until mid-November.

8. The Heel Slice of Bread

If we, as a society, are going to use sliced bread as a benchmark of greatness, then they really need to do something about the heel situation. Nothing upends the momentum of a great sandwich quite like the realization that you’re stuck with a heel piece. You have compiled the perfect concoction of meat, cheese, garnish and spread… only to have the parade rained on by a stale, thin, tasteless end piece.

9. Tofu

Believe it or not, when it comes to my writing I am more of a “shoot from the hip” guy than a “research” guy. However, for this one I did a little of what we in the industry like to call background. I know that I find tofu to be revolting, but with a gun to my head I did not know what it actually was. What I learned may shock you: “Tofu, also known as bean curd, is a food made by coagulating soy milk and then pressing the resulting curds into soft white blocks.”

10. Anything from Waffle House

On the surface this is a surprising entry, because greasy breakfast is definitely a comfort food. But you know what isn’t comfortable? Diarrhea.

Also Receiving Votes: Grapefruit, Cottage Cheese, Espresso, Ass, Candied Apples, and Lemon Lime Gatorade immediately after you’ve brushed your teeth

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