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Pythia Defool’s advice column, “Ask Roger,” was a mainstay in the Chattanooga Tribune from 1976-1983. It was later renamed “Ask Pythia” following the landmark Supreme Court Case, Lady v. Florida, which granted women the right to have their names appear in print. Dear Pythia is a revival of her classic advice column and is composed in beautiful downtown Tampa Bay. For advice, email DearPythia@Gmail.com
Dear Pythia,
As a productivity guru, I’m stifled by the “quarantine.”
In my bestselling ebook, Make Time Your Concubine: 11 Steps to Mastering Productivity & Your Sex Life Before 11 A.M., I teach you how to practice rampant polyamory with your time.
I’ve spent my career giving away advice (often FOR FREE!), but now that everyone is cloistered alone at home, I need help: How do I make a career out of giving productivity advice when the employment rate is falling like an overbaked souffle?
Yours in ennui,
Tucker Thompson
Dear Tucker,
My father was a sharecropper and my mother dipped votive candles. Their productivity guru was named Starvation. Had you been alive and pliable, they would’ve employed you as a wagon jack.
All productivity advice boils down to a three-word snack: “Do the work.” It’s a simple concept and doesn’t require the services of a so-called “guru.” That said, the coronavirus quarantine has decimated productivity.
When Joan of Arc was locked in Rouen Castle, she kept busy by talking to a three-legged stool and a skein of yarn. Today, your prospective clients spend 40 minutes on a Zoom conference and the rest of the day immersed in Netflix, WhatsApp, and Massage Wands.
To subsist as a productivity guru, you’ll need to trick these dimwits into accepting something a judge could consider “valuable services.”
1. Target over-eager underperformers.
They’re usually found in the comments section of LinkedIn posts.
2. Send them an ebook.
You mentioned some garbage before.
3. Deep within the book, hide egregious payment terms.
“This ebook costs $149.99 and payment is due 3 hours after receipt.”
4. If they don’t pay, send them to collections.
No one wants to ruin their credit. You don’t have any, so this might actually work.
Also, watch out for beauty coaches, confidence influencers, and corporate storytellers. None of you add value and all of you are a threat under stand-your-ground laws.
Bon appétit, mon petite cric.
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