Dead Sexy: {Celebrity Crushes} Never Die

Sexy is as sexy dies. Just because a person has ceased to exist doesn’t mean they’ve ceased to have sex appeal. Dead sexy. I’m looking at you, The Ghost of Aaliyah.

Join me on a Tour d’Time as we examine my Celebrity Crushes throughout the ages. You bring an open mind. I’ll bring my open legs.

Prince (1958 – 2016)

When I found out Prince had died, my first thought was “Great. Now I don’t get to fuck Prince.” He’s not really my type, but don’t bullshit me: Prince is everyone’s type. He lived his androgynous life shirtless, sweating, sensuality made flesh, a low-key Wilt Chamberlain sent by fuck-aliens to orgy the world. He’s gone, and I feel cheated. I’m no necrophiliac, but I do have uncomfortable questions.

“Wendy?”
“Yes, Zach?”
“Is the body warm enough?”
“Yes, Zach.”
“Shall we begin?”

Ernest Hemingway (1899 – 1961)

Holy freaking handsome. I would do disgusting things to Ernest Hemingway. Any vintage Ernest Hemingway. Even the old, haunted, alcoholic, shotgun version. I bet his penis was like his prose: simple, direct, and unadorned. The boner also rises.

Frederick Douglass (???? – 1895)

Frederick Douglass was fine. It struck me hardest when I was touring his house in Southeast Washington, D.C.. I stared at his portrait while listening to the docent answer a question about his second wife, and I thought “Yeah. I get it, Second Wife. I’d fuck the shit out of him, too.” I wish I could read her steamy tell-all: Bedroom Narrative of the Wife of Frederick Douglass.

Zahir-ud-din Muhammad Babur (1483 – 1530)

Babur, the first Mughal Emperor, may have married seven women over the course of his life, but by his own admission, he was shy and not very romantic with the laaadies. AKA, he was a big ol’ homo. They say the eyes are the window to the hole. They ain’t lyin’. Babur could conquer me like India.

Agamemnon (14th century BC)

Nothing says come-hither like a death mask. Look at that inscrutable face. Look at that rakish mustache. Eyebrows etched on (fleek). And you KNOW I have a kinky-thing for super-detached earlobes. Oh, you say they discovered his body at Mycenae? More like Mycen-Bae!

Ardi (Late Pliocene)

4.4 million years young! Ardi’s got the most complete bod I’ve ever seen on an early hominid. Given that she’s our earliest known evolutionary ancestor, I’d expect nothing less. She keeps it tight. I bet she invented that lemon-cayenne-pepper master cleanse. Bonus round: She’s got opposable toes. Need I say more?