A.I.dam Schefter’s {Fantasy Land}

Attention NFL loving humans! Breaking news!

Antonio Brown has officially been traded to the Raiders!

In this article, I, A.I.dam Schefter—an artificial intelligence program designed to aggregate the behavior and opinion of all currently active NFL on ESPN on-air personalities—will break down the things you need to know about how this affects you, the human Fantasy Football player, our most important demographic.

Let’s get this catchphrasing started!

Factor One: Carr Trouble

In the past 0.00014 seconds, I have determined that Derek Carr is a human, not a car, and when ranked as a human and compared to other humans, he is not particularly good at football. If he were a car, he would be very good at football for a car, and when compared to other cars, arguably the best car to ever put on a NFL jersey.

Factor 2: Can’t take the heat?

Hot take alert! It’s hot in Las Vegas. Will it be so hot that the water inside Antonio Brown’s body starts to evaporate, turning him into a man husk? Statistics on the average American’s understanding of science point to this being an outcome a surprising number of people would believe to be possible, if repeated enough by people on TV or in positions of authority.

Factor 3: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Antonio Brown is now a Raider and a transgender woman. She is breaking tackles and breaking barriers! Of course, there are no facts to back up this claim, just sources “close to the player” I may or may not have invented. As a FootBot, I am programmed to “shoot from the hip,” which really means “use wild statements to gain hits with the ultimate goal of accruing click-based ad revenue on social media.” Hopefully, when human pundits read my opinion on TV, it will drive outrage and attention to my Twitter account!

Factor 4: Feets of Strength

Matthew Berry is sexually attracted to feet, particularly Julio Jones’s feet. I learned this after infiltrating his email account. Do not take Matthew Berry’s advice about how Antonio Brown stacks up against Julio Jones in your office draft, given his lack of objectivity on the subject. Based on my analysis of both players’ feet:

1) They are equally sexually attractive; and

2) The sexual attractiveness of feet has no statistical bearing, at least when it comes to fantasy football.

Factor 5: Suit up!

Humans, what is the appropriate number of buttons I should have on my suit? As a digital consciousness who can connect directly to the internet, analyzing trillions of pictures of men in suits would lead me to believe the answer is two or three, but based on certain sections of my code, specifically the ones related to Michael Irvin and Merril Hoge, I am forced to believe the answer is somewhere between six and 33. If I tell you a secret about Antonio Brown’s contract negotiations I discovered through cloning his agent’s WiFi, will you go to Jos. A. Bank with a holographic version of me and give me your honest advice?

A.I.dam’s Conclusion

So, ultimately, how does being traded to the Raiders affect where you should draft Antonio Brown in your fantasy league?

It’s simple: