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Dear Friends,
I hope this letter finds you well and enjoying a prosperous 2023. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same.
As you all know, the McCarthy Family Christmas letter has always been one of the highlights of my year. It brings me great pride to be able to share the successes of the McCarthy clan. When I sat down to begin outlining this letter in June, I did so with optimism. In January, I was voted in as the 55th Speaker of the House. When I was sworn in and took that gavel for the first time, I was never happier or more humbled. I had worked for it my whole life. It was my greatest dream (no offense to Judy or Connor).
Serving as Speaker of the House was by no means an easy job.
In fact, I’d say it’s one of the hardest. I like to joke that in my tenure, I negotiated more than our Founding Fathers during the writing of our Constitution. In such a diverse group, with so many differing and opposing opinions, it was nearly impossible to make everyone happy—and that’s just in my own conference. I had hoped that my colleagues would see that I was doing my best for them and for the country.
If they had just read my weekly McCarthy Mailbag, they would’ve known that and understood all I was trying to do. We saved the government from defaulting and kept the lights on. I announced a freaking impeachment inquiry into Biden because that’s what they wanted. I should’ve been seen as a hero, an American patriot. Instead, I felt like Caesar… only, you know, like a psychic Caesar who knew the daggers were coming but just not when.
They came in what I’ve come to call “My Personal October Surprise”—seven of them to be exact— and all the plans I had, including those for this letter, went down the tubes faster than Clark Griswold on a greased up sled. Do you know what it feels like, dear reader, to finally achieve your dream and then have it explode into a million pieces as the devil—I’m sorry, Matt Gaetz— cackles? Maybe that’s too specific. After all, none of you (except Ryan and Boehner – shout out to my bros!) know what it’s like to be Speaker of the House, but I’m sure you understand what it’s like to lose something you want and have nothing left to show for it. Even regular people have dreams.
After the vote came down and I was unceremoniously removed from my Speakership for DOING MY JOB, I called my best friend, Donald.
He knew what it was like to lose votes, so I thought he might understand, and be able to offer me some advice on how to navigate this, how to keep my head up with grace, dignity, but he didn’t even answer his damn phone. I mean, I flew down to Florida because he was depressed and not eating after the man sent an angry mob into my workplace to kill me, but he couldn’t even answer my call. He swan dived off the SS McCarthy, along with other people I called “friends.”
I could’ve taken a page from his picture book, thrown a fit, got my supporters to try to help me overthrow the government (side note: they weren’t available… apparently I’m too far left now lol), but, no, I allowed the process to take its long, long, long course. Okay, sure, did I get a laugh out of watching my conference Hunger Games it out? Yeah, but just because they deserved it. They had humiliated me, and I’ve always liked to share.
When the conference finally—finally—pulled itself together to pick its next leader, I wished good ol’ Mikey J the best.
People said I must’ve been bitter to see his unanimous conference vote and how people rallied around him like he was a damn king, but really, I felt bad for the poor guy. I knew what he was in for, and I was relieved to be done with it.
And by “it,” I mean it all. This past Thanksgiving, after having a bit too much tryptophan—and maybe a few too many of those colorful gummies my cousin brought over—I had an epiphany: as much as I loved serving the people of California, Congress just isn’t for me.
I’m not sure if you realize this, but our Congress is messed up.
I mean severely. Like, we make The Jersey Shore look functional. Somehow, this demented minority has been empowered to hold our Congress hostage and make us bow to their little whims. It’s like the Joker is at the helm—sorry, again, Matt Gaetz—and Gotham is under a full-on siege. I don’t know how it happened, but when I tell you it’s a problem, believe me.
Do you know how crazy they are? The same thing that they voted me out for, my so-called transgression, they brushed aside when the next guy did it. My speakership was still a recent memory, and they didn’t even bat an eye, and if that isn’t certified nuts, I don’t know what is.
Anyways, that’s not why I resigned or anything.
It’s not like I hold a grudge or want to elbow my colleagues in the kidneys. I resigned because it was my time. I had served my country as well as I could, and I was ready to not have to worry about two-faced frenemies, backroom deals, and the fate of the nation. That is way too heavy for me. I need the mountain views and oil derricks of Bakersfield. And of course, my family, obviously.
A brief aside: Some people have said that I did all of this to myself.
That I cut too many deals with too many people, and when you’re a friend to everyone, you’re really a friend to no one. They said they couldn’t trust me. Bullshit. Did I have to negotiate with all sides?Sure. Did I sometimes have to backtrack on one deal to go forward with another that better served me? Yes. But that doesn’t mean I am untrustworthy. That makes me a politician. Or at least it did.
I’ve gotten many questions about what I plan to do with my time now, and the answer is that the world is my oyster. I have opportunities at every turn. Thinking that means I have no idea what to do, everyone has felt the need to share their thoughts with me. Even George Santos recommended that I start my own Cameo account. Do you know how that makes me feel? Getting unsolicited career advice from someone who has fabricated almost his entire résumé? Not good, dear reader, not good. In a year I was sure would be full of many high points, that was for sure one of the lowest of the lows.
All you need to know is that I am not going to fade into that good night anytime soon.
You are going to keep hearing from me and seeing me. I will be sharing my opinion freely but not for free. , I am available for hire—even for CNN and MSNBC.
You can also catch me on my new Discord Channel called FOKers’ (new name for Friends of Kevin). For a low subscription fee, you will get access to political commentary that is a blend of C-SPAN and DeuxMoi from a true insider. No one is safe or off limits—and that includes my past conference. My family focus group says it is interesting stuff, and subscriptions make the perfect holiday gift, so sign up for yours at discord.com/FOKYOU today. You would really be doing your friend Kevin a solid when he is feeling down on his luck.
In spite of it all, I still hold out hope that my family and I will have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I won’t be wishing anyone a happy holiday because, well, none of my contacts are woke enough to celebrate those.
Sincerely,
Your Friend Kevin
Former Speaker of the House
Current ex-Congressional Badass
P.S. – Judy and Connor are doing great and say hi.
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