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Fast food and being drunk… they go together like gin and tonic, vodka and soda, Coors Lite and fizzburps. So we asked our staff to share their experiences:
What’s your best drunken fast food story?
Jillian Conochan – Yes Castles, No Limos
Hey, did you know that a limo cannot fit through the White Castle drive-thru?
Sydney Mineer – The Best Meal of Her Life
The drunken food experience that still haunts me to this day came from an opportunely parked food truck, stumbled upon as the bars closed, from which I ordered… cheesesteak cheese fries. I will never eat anything that magnificent again. I will not be taking questions at this time.
Josh Bard – Jagged Little Spill
Like a superbloom or a comet, if you get it right, you can see some absolutely incredible things at a fast food restaurant after the bars close. Once, I stood inebriated as a McDonald’s employee refilled one of those big silver canisters of iced tea, from the kitchen side. What she did not notice was that the spout was open, and she was pouring gallons of tea into something that was simultaneously leaking ounces of it.
Then, as she turned the corner, you could see the fear in her eyes as she realized that the tea ran freely, everywhere. The rest of it goes like an America’s Funniest Home Video—the employee rushing to close the spout, not thinking about the slippery floor, and sliding, slipping, and falling into the large puddle of iced tea. The vision was truly magical. Had iPhones existed in 2005, you would be able to see it because I would have recorded it, and it would be a Top-5 YouTube clip ever. Instead, you’ll have to find your own perfect moment.
Heather Shaff – Snotties?
Any winter evening at Karl’s Food Truck in C Lot at UNH. It could be a freakin’ blizzard and 20 below, but we’d still trudge out there at two in the morning after a night of frat parties, bar hopping, or beer pong. Karl sold hot dogs and hamburgers and fries, but you weren’t allowed to order those things. You had to ask for a Big Guy Abused (hot dog with the works) or Snotties (cheese fries). I liked my snotties On the Rag (with ketchup). Disgusting, but ahhh, the memories . . .
Erin Vail – Angel is a Centerfold
I live down the street from Astro Burger in Los Angeles. Astro Burger is open late, and conveniently on the way home from a plethora of bars. Astro Burger also has tiny tableside jukeboxes throughout the establishment. One night (or by this point, early morning), I just wanted to hear “Jessie’s Girl.” I put a quarter in, and “Centerfold” started playing. Hm, okay, weird—maybe I mixed up the combination. I tried again. “Centerfold” played again. I decided maybe the wires were crossed, so I just input the combination to select “Centerfold”to see if that might get me to “Jessie’s Girl.” “Centerfold” played for a third time. I apologized to the other patrons, and proceeded to HOUSE a bacon cheeseburger and onion rings.
Jake Cantrell – What Happens at Waffle House…
As The Prompt’s [un]official Waffle House correspondent, I am sad to report that I have wasted my abundant resources. Oh I’ve been for late night/early morning WaHo plenty of times, in multiple states even, but none of those times were more wild than the others. Then again it’s really all just one big blur.
Stephanie Tate – Instant Kohr-ma
A good friend of mine has a condo in Virginia Beach. In 2019 B.C. (before corona) we visited this condo to lounge on the beach, drink, and forget about life for a summer weekend. Things devolved, and one evening my friends and I ended up at Peabody’s, possibly the scummiest bar/club/omg-what-is-this-place in the whole damn country. My drunken self was still having a good time, but eventually my boyfriend convinced me we should head back to the condo.
I agreed, on the pretense of getting peanut butter soft serve from Kohr Bro’s on the walk home (yes I’m a toddler who is often successfully bribed with treats). After obtaining the ice cream and walking along like I ruled the beach, I proceeded to take one large lick from my cone. Little did I know that my drunken enthusiasm for this ice cream would be my downfall—with that initial lick, I saw the ice cream teeter towards the front of the cone and land SPLAT on the sidewalk. I moped the whole way home, and knew this was karma for dragging my sweet boyfriend to the hellhole that is Peabody’s.
Dennis William – BK Treason
I, drunk in a back seat, once asked for McNuggets at Burger King. The kind person on the headset said, “That’s the other place,” to which I retorted “BURGER KING EQUIVALENT!” I believe I was given chicken fingers.
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