Awards Season for Ben Simmons

The NBA season is not over, but the Ben Simmons offseason began this week with the Brooklyn Nets elimination, after being swept by the Boston Celtics.

The Ben Simmons offseason looks exactly like the Ben Simmons preseason, postseason, and also the Ben Simmons regular season, in terms of basketball activities: none at all. However, the league has issued a trio of awards to Simmons, for his noteworthy 2021-2022 campaign.

The first award is an Almost Participation Trophy, for his complete and thorough inaction in Philadelphia and Brooklyn.

In a society where participation trophies have become far too common, Simmons bucked the trend and went whatever the opposite of above and beyond is. Simmons displayed magnificent efforts in considering and targeting participation. Thanks to daily updates from his agents, it was too much for the league to ignore.

Also too much to ignore, Simmons’s gaudy sideline outfits were almost loud enough to drown out the boos that followed him from sideline to sideline. His technicolor coats left fans dreaming about the day he may actually try to participate again.

Simmons also receives the Defensive NBA Player of the Year award, for his incredible array of excuses this season.

During his zero total minutes played, Simmons recorded the biggest steal of the year, grabbing $33 million in salary.

Finally, Simmons also takes home the Community Shield Award.

His commitment to shielding himself from criticism, under the umbrella of “mental health,” reminds us of the millions of actual mental health cases across the world. In a world with increasing conversation and awareness around mental health, Simmons offered no demonstrable understanding of or contribution to the discussion of the issues, instead raising it, like a shield, only when he needed protection.

The enigmatic superstar that was promised, is not available to accept the awards, as being available is one of his biggest weaknesses.