For this week’s BODY ISSUE writing prompt, John decided to take on some erotica… rather unsuccessfully. Read with caution. NSFW.

No patience for the cripple kid down the street. Convinced birds are spying on him. Game of Thrones fans: Are we describing the Night King, or grandpa?

John should have known, as soon as he had his first crushes, that his bad habits would haunt him forever. We always want what we can’t have.

John’s steaming mad about some really dumb stuff. Here’s a list of 10 pet peeves that might get you similarly enraged, or also, maybe not at all.

Hotel sex on Valentine’s Day is supposed to be loud and lusty. And while John and his lady lack chemistry, they sure feel the passion in the room next door.

Some people don’t respond well to shame, even when they deserve it. So, person who shat all over the toilet, consider this a polite little pep talk.

John Krasinski may have made it to the big screen, but what are Jim Halpert’s chances of survival in A Quiet Place? Rating the whole cast of The Office.

Movies let us indulge some of our darkest, most hideous inner curiosities. So, tell me then, which couple fights—like REAL punchfests—did you enjoy most?

Even I, esteemed movie expert John Papageorgiou, don’t have all the answers. Memento, Donnie Darko, and Million Dollar Baby—what gives?