{An Incomplete and Growing List} of Things I’d Rather Get than a Pandora Bracelet

Happy Valentine’s Day losers! Here’s your gift guide for anyone wanting to make anyone happy this fauxliday. Tweet us your suggestions, because I’m sorry, anything and nothing is better than a Pandora bracelet, including:

a coupon for a back rub

a digital download of SAINt JHN’s latest single

the loose change in your pocket

drunk

a creative emoji mashup

the Tiffany HardWear bracelet (if you insist on jewelry)

a friendship bracelet (if you insist on jewelry and are on a budget)

kicked in the shins

a playlist with music by The Shins

“…me a Pop-Tart when you go in the kitchen please?”

the latest COVID booster

Supersized

8 straight hours of rest

a Venmo request for up to $4

my car inspected (it’s overdue)

a mitten you found in the street

food poisoning

your YouTube TV login

roasted