An Incomplete and Growing List of the Times I’ve Said, {“It Looks Broken to Me”} and Had No Idea What I was Talking About

Friend’s phone that fell in a toilet (it wasn’t)

Friend’s index finger that was shaped like an “L” after deflecting a football pass (it was)

Apartment toilet (it sort of was)

Friend’s relationship with a girlfriend I hated (it was)

Doorbell of potential ding-dong-ditch victim, when it was my turn to ring it (it wasn’t)

The 2019-2020 Patriots offense (it was)

College football’s BCS (it definitely was)

Gordon Hayward’s leg on the Celtics’ opening night last season (it definitely definitely was, don’t Google it)

Electric razor from Amazon that I didn’t like and wanted a refund for (it wasn’t)

Every high school classmate’s egg drop the second it hit the ground (they mostly were)

Every coat zipper when it didn’t work smoothly on the first try (they mostly weren’t)

Congealed hollandaise sauce at brunch, a day after watching Top Chef and hearing Padma say something similar (it wasn’t)

Armrest on plane that wouldn’t go down because of obese seat-mate (it wasn’t)

Friend’s kid’s loud toy that I couldn’t get her to stop playing with (it wasn’t)

X-Games athlete’s body when it crashed down after the super high BMX bike jump thing (it was)

All the wireless modem’s I’ve come across while not getting the internet (they weren’t)

Laser tag gun after coming in last place two times in a row (it wasn’t)

Friend’s old crappy car that was smoking in a parking lot (it was)

Social Security (jury’s still out)