An Incomplete and Growing List of {McSweeney’s} Article Titles: The Laziest Writer™ vs. AI

With posts that can only be described as “I dunno, like, McSweeney’s,” explaining McSweeney’s Internet Tendency to AI or the original robot, my husband, is, how do you call it? A circular reference.

AI is famously not great at any humor more nuanced than knock-knock jokes, so I knew I had to challenge my artificially intelligent little friend to a battle of wits. Will AI generate the 2023 answer to “It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers”? Or will Allen Iverson and I remain The Answer to America’s pressing need to read about autumnal home décor trends?

Jillian’s Version

For Sale: Baby Shoes, Thrown Once

Every Time You Stream a Prince Song, An Angel Loses Its Wings

Why Nobody Likes a Person Who Gets Every Trivia Answer Right

I’m New Jersey Sober (Haven’t Had Gabagool Since the Last Family Party)

INFOGRAPHIC: How Pissed is Timbaland that Major Lazer Stole the Song He Stole?

George Santos Never Intended to Run for Congress; He Was Just Auditioning for His Biopic

They Didn’t Give Millennials Hydrocolloid Patches Because They Knew We’d Be Too Powerful

Code Switching between My Nice Cat and My Mean Cat

What If This Whole Time We Were Supposed to Be Fettering Capitalism?

Name a Rest Area for PM Dawn, You Cowards

I Will No Longer Be Manipulated by the Prestige Drinking Vessel Complex

My Friend Found an Injured Pigeon on Her Stoop Last Night and It’s Getting Better Care than Me, a Human, with Health Insurance

Do You Use Terms like “That Environmental Havoc of a Website,” Or Are You Still Able to Experience Happiness?

AI Version

I’m Not a Morning Person, But I’m Trying to Become One Because My Therapist Says It’s Good for My Mental Health

I Accidentally Became a Dog Influencer on Instagram and Now I’m Stuck in This Paws-itive Loop

I’m a Millennial and I Still Don’t Know How to Adult, But at Least I Have a Good Spotify Playlist

I’m Not Sure If I’m a Vegetarian or a Meat-Eater, But I Do Know I Love a Good Tofurky

An Open Letter to the Person Who Keeps Stealing My Lunch from the Office Fridge

The Definitive Ranking of Fast Food Chains by How Guilty You’ll Feel Eating Them

The Secret Lives of Inanimate Objects: An Exposé by a Sentient Pencil

A Step-by-Step Guide to Faking Your Way Through a Conversation About Literary Theory

I Spent a Week Living as a Victorian Gentleman and Now I’m a Total Snoot

The Bussin’ Chronicles: One Man’s Quest to Ride Every Bus in the City

Why I Spent My Entire Paycheck on a Custom-Made Pillow Fort

Vale, Dude: How to Speak Roman Slang Like a True ‘Duce’ (That’s ‘Dude’ in Latin)

Hey, My Name is John Smith. Will You Sit on My Breadbox While I Cook, Or Is There Some Kind of Speed Limit on this Thing?

For more from The Laziest Writer™ v. AI series, Jillian and ChatGPT face off to freshen up the standard email greeting.