A Royals Wedding

The House of Windsor is preparing for another wedding, but who cares  about British royalty. We have our own royals right here in the U.S. of A. No, not the Kardashians, America’s version of worthless figureheads. I’m referring to the Royals we have toeing the rubber right in the HEARTLAND of Kansas City, Missouri.

Yes, I’ve found a way to make the royal wedding about me and my sports team.

[INSERT CLEVER JUSTIFICATION FOR AWESOME PREMISE]

And that’s why I’ve decided to build a wedding party using current and former Kansas City Royals.

Bride

Me. In this situation, I am the most important person in the room. It is my special day.

Groom

Bo Jackson – I know I’m going to raise some eyebrows with this one, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Bo Jackson may not have delivered a ring for the Royals like, but the metaphor doesn’t have to be that obvious. He delivered on a consistent basis and was also exciting. That’s what you want in a life partner. He’s the one. Bo knows long-term commitment.

Best Man

Eric Hosmer – Hoz broke for home as soon as David Wright wound up his throw. Hoz is the best man.

Groomsman 1

Salvador Perez – Salvy is fun loving, and a big guy who can command a room. He’s a leader of hijinks. These are all crucial components of a well-rounded groomsmen crew.

Groomsman 2

Mike Sweeney – Sweeney is like your buddy from way back who you don’t really see much and doesn’t really know your fiancée. But he’s a solid guy, and you feel like he should be a part of the big day.

Maid of Honor

Lorenzo Cain – Your Ride or Die. You wouldn’t be where you are without her. She did more for you than she realizes.

Bridesmaid 1

Jarrod Dyson – There’s always a bridesmaid who is a little fast, as your grandpa would say, and who brings some excitement by getting to third base.

Bridesmaid 2

Bob Hamelin – The big, fun one.

The Priest

Ned Yost – Presides over your magical day. Fucks up in some memorable fashion.

The Ushers

Brent Mayne and Mike Macfarlane. Two men doing the exact same job at the same time, neither of them doing it especially well.

The Ex Who is Inexplicably Invited for Some Reason

Johnny Damon – You felt the potential and knew they were special. After you broke up, they did an internship in California, then moved to Boston and really started killing it. They had a good life and you felt happy for them. But still, there was that “what if” in your mind. Why is this person here? This is uncomfortable.

The Boring Cousin that Your Mom Makes You Invite

Ross Gload – Whose kid are they? Why am I inviting them?

Uncle Who Gets Drunk and Tells You That Love Is a Sham, Because His Wedding Fell Apart

Tony Peña – The former Royals manager seemed like a great guy. There were flashes of promise, but things didn’t shake out in his favor. Probably best to take what he says with a grain of salt.

The Person You Invited to Be Polite, Were Secretly Hoping/Assuming They Wouldn’t Show Up, But They Do

Ryan Madson – Please, stay away.

Caterer

Jack Stack Barbecue. KANSAS CITY BARBECUE IS THE BEST! GET THAT SOUR CAROLINA GARBAGE OUT OF HERE!