{Corporate Overlord}: A Letter to Concerned Parents Regarding the 4th Grade Educational Field Trip to Costco

Dear Parents:

The end of the summer is almost here, and we’re looking forward to seeing your children in our halls and classes this fall. As our school community prepares for another year of learning and growth, I want to share an exciting opportunity for our students to take part in a one-of-a-kind field trip. To mark the beginning of the new school year, on August 28th all faculty and students will have the chance to experience an exhibit brought together by the acclaimed “Lost But Not Forgotten” Re-Enactment Society. Your children will become intimately acquainted with early 21st century American culture by taking part in an all-day, living, educational visit to a reimagination of the local Costco – and play the part of an American consumer during a pivotal part of our history.

When we first announced our planning committee for this trip at the beginning of our previous school year, some of you shared your concerns about the age-appropriateness of this activity and questioned its educational worth. Please know that this trip had been thoroughly reviewed and approved by Secretary of Education Clinton VII himself and satisfies numerous sections of Volumes 3-5 of the newest “Federal Guidelines for Common Core and PPPSAT Preparation Rubrics.”

All students will complete a packet of reflection questions, essays, and other relevant assessments as part of this immersive field trip. Listed below are sample questions spearheaded by our Curriculum Development Committee that are meant to engage your children across multiple learning spectra.

Sociology:

You will observe carts strewn about the parking lot, frequently occupying parking spots. Look for arriving customers to be inconvenienced by their presence only to “forward along” the inconvenience by leaving the carts behind as they themselves depart. This all occurs despite the presence of a clear and easily accessible solution: a definitively labeled location nearby in which to deposit the carts. Compare and contrast this behavior with the rise of the Republican Party in the late 20th century, especially with respect to the global temperature crisis.

Art:

As you approach the door, note the presence of the female employee checking for customers to display their membership card. If you refuse to display your membership card, and point out that membership is not required for all purchases, she will become disproportionately angry in a truly unique way. Using the techniques of your preferred Cubist, Neo-Classical, or Greco-Austere artist, create a work that showcases your interpretation of her anger. Use green hues to represent the inherent inequity in her involuntary, compulsory participation in a capitalist society and use red hues to display her frustration at, but internalized eroticization of, the starkly patriarchal society in which she lives.

Physics:

Place a cylindrical drum of Gluten-Free High Fructose Corn Syrup into a shopping cart weighing 10 kg. The drum should measure 0.45 m in diameter and 0.68 m high. The density of the syrup is 4.2 g/cm³.

Take some measurements of the cart’s responsiveness to force and draw a standard free-body diagram representing the forces on the cart during normal use. Then, answer the following question:

Suppose this cart is accelerated to 5 m/s and then let go at the end of a 50 m-long aisle of non-GMO produce. At the other end of the aisle, there is a man of average age and weight who is not moving. The cart slows as it encounters natural friction until it collides with the man.

Write an equation that relates the coefficient of kinetic friction, μ, to the expected settlement amount, S, the man can expect to earn from the subsequent lawsuit. You should assume the man’s attorney is competent, but mentally distracted by excessive debt and socially burdened by his own privilege.

Ethics:

TRIGGER WARNING: violence, physical activity, and decision-making. This will be a thought exercise but history tells us these scenarios were common in Costcos due to overcrowding.

In the above problem, suppose instead the cart is carrying several heavy crates of food and cannot be easily stopped. It is rolling at high speed toward a small male child belonging to an ethnic minority. You, as a bystander, cannot stop the cart but can choose to push it so that it misses the child. However, it will instead hit a biologico-pregnant cis-female.

Write an analysis of this dilemma and provide multiple interpretations of the best outcome using at least 3 different ethical paradigms. Consider the contemporary values for human life rather than current valuations by the Department of Weights and Measures. Remember to evaluate the scenario using pre-Liberation standards and expectations for abortion.

Economics:

Costco was considered one of the more progressive employers of the time, with its relatively high wages, better than average benefits, and widespread employee satisfaction. However, they were still an archetypal corporo-fascist entity that was afforded more rights than many of its employees.

Speak to at least 5 employees about their finances within earshot of each other. This may be difficult, due to established societal norms. With this information, see if you can recreate the conditions that led to the Great Wage Redistribution of 2037. You may claim extra credit if you also sow the seeds of thought that led to the Greater Wage Redistribution of 2038.

If you have any questions or concerns about this curriculum—or if your child has an IEP, HIA, TTN, or Level 5 General Educational Exception—please schedule an appointment with your neighborhood’s Educational Liaison to discuss appropriate alternatives. As always, we will be happy to fulfill any or all requests for accommodation.

Respectfully yours,

Jonathan Harambe, M. Ed.

Headperson, Our Lady of Inclusion Learning Center (52nd Neighborhood)