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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshops.
1. The Mighty Vikings of Minnesota (Previously: 8th)
There are currently nine 1-loss teams in the NFL, all of which look like potential division winners or wild card teams (Patriots, Steelers, Broncos, Raiders, Cowboys, Eagles, Packers, Falcons, Seahawks). And then you have the Minnesota Vikings, sitting at a perfect 5-0 with the league’s best defense and an offense that does just enough. Despite losing Teddy Bridgewater and Adrian Peterson for the season and averaging 302.6 total yards per game (ranked 30th in the league) they manage to score when necessary. If they can win in Philly after their upcoming bye week, they have a legitimate shot to be undefeated going into a Week 16 Christmas Eve game at Lambeau Field (their schedule is hot garbage). That said, while I know very little about very little, I do know this: Sam Bradford is not going undefeated. Just. Not. Happening.
2. Tom Brady (Previously received votes)
Speaking of starting quarterbacks that might be capable of a perfect season, THE GOAT IS BACK! TB12 returned from his horseshit suspension in glorious fashion (as glorious as one can be in Cleveland) and led the Pats to a decisive 20 point road win. Showing little to no signs of rust, Brady threw for over 400 yards and 3 touchdowns and made Roger Goodell piss down his leg (unconfirmed, but confirmed). The thought of that slimy fascist commissioner handing Tom the Super Bowl MVP trophy in February is what makes me tingle inside.
3. Jimmy Sexton (Last Week: 4th)
Jimmy Sex was ranked 4th last week for suckering the Jets into paying Ryan Fitzpatrick, and he makes his triumphant return thanks to another bamboozle. Brock Osweiler threw his 7th interception of the young season during Sunday’s uninspired loss in Minnesota, but thanks to his agent enjoys the fruits of a $72 million contract from the desperate Texans. Osweiler attempted 42 passes against the Vikings and completed only 19, which for you stat geeks is a 45.2 completion percentage, which I hear is bad. His 70.6 QB rating this season has him ranked ahead of only Blaine Gabbert and the aforementioned Fitzmagic…but keep gettin’ them checks Brock!
4. Rex Ryan (Last Week: 2nd)
Last week, I assumed that Rex would celebrate the victory over the Patriots for the next month and forget to coach his team. Boy, was I wrong. Rex lead his Bills into the L.A. Coliseum and defeated the Stylin’, Profilin’, Limousine Riding, Jet Flying, Kiss-Stealing, Wheelin’ n’ Dealin’ Hollywood Showtime Rams 30-19. Just weeks ago, Ryan had his lap band removed in solidarity with his brother Rob, who’s gastric bypass surgery “didn’t take.” This proves once and for all that being fat is paramount to Rex’s success. Never change.
5. Trevor Siemian (Previously: 2nd)
For the first month of the season, the consensus around the Broncos was that they won because of their defense, despite who played quarterback. After all, they won a Super Bowl with Peyton Manning, and his old noodle of an arm, under center. The narrative will change after Siemian sat this week due to injury and watched 1st round pick Paxton Lynch lead Denver to a measly 16 points in a home loss to the Falcons. Siemian is expected to start this Thursday in San Diego, showing the type of toughness that allowed him to withstand his instructor’s verbal abuse back when he was a jazz drummer.
6. Jim Bob Cooter
I was waiting until the Lions won a big game to give Jim Bob a spot on this list, and a 24-23 win over the previously undefeated Eagles qualifies. Not much analysis other than reminding everyone that the Lions’ offensive coordinator is, in fact, named Jim Bob Cooter, and that in 2009 he was arrested for aggravated burglary after climbing through a woman’s window, stripping down to his tighty whities, and getting into bed with her. Just thought it warranted mentioning.
7. Ezekiel Elliott Fantasy Owners
Just 5 games into his professional career, Zeke is averaging 125 yards per game and visiting the end zone more than he visits marijuana dispensaries. Fantasy geeks who drafted the rookie are as giddy as his real-life owner Jerry Jones (that felt weird to type… maybe a topic for a later date), and unlike many of his Cowboy teammates Elliott has had his domestic violence charges dismissed. All is well in Jerry World!
8. Generic Steelers Wide Receiver
How is it possible that the Steelers are always able to find great wide receivers!?! Putting aside superstars like Hines Ward and Antonio Brown, Pittsburgh is able to consistently fill their WR2 slot with seemingly anybody and they turn out to be a stud. Kudos the Ben Roethlisberger and the entire offensive game plan, but this is getting ridiculous. Sammie Coates (who?) caught 6 balls for 139 yards and a pair of touchdowns on Sunday, the heir apparent to the position formerly filled by the likes of Markus Wheaton, Darrius Heyward-Bey, Martavis Bryant, Emmanuel Sanders, Jericho Cotchery, Mike Wallace… I could keep going, but you get the point.
9. Ken Bone
The New York Giants played the Green Bay Packers on Sunday night, but thanks to Kenneth Bone nobody was talking about that game. There was also a cringeworthy presidential debate going on, but once Bone took the mic all else was forgotten. Nobody has taken over the internet in a swifter fashion than this red sweater-clad angel. I have nothing much to add that to this phenomenon, but leaving him off the list would have been disrespectful to the idea of power rankings. If you do need more Bone, please click here.
10. The Falcons Under
“BAH GAWD THAT’S THE FALCONS UNDER MUSIC!!!” Just when we thought the easiest bet of the week was dead and buried, look who came back strong! After preaching last week that betting the “over” total in Falcons game was the new hotness, Vegas made the Atlanta/Denver number 47.5 on Sunday, roping us right back into the “under” wager, and the 23-16 score hit very nicely. WHO SAYS THERE IS NO LOYALTY IN GAMBLING!?! (I did, last week, but gamblers need to have a short memory).
Also Receiving Votes: Pussy, Breast Cancer, Martellus Bennett, Charlie “Backup Jesus” Whitehurst, Tony Romo’s handicap, Jeff Fisher’s .500 record, Shady McCoy and the Cleveland Indians.
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