An Incomplete and Growing List of Things I’ve Said Out Loud to Empty Rooms and/or Pets Today

You’re gross.

Where did you put my seltzer?

These shoes smell like garlic.

You are assassinating your personal brand.

Look, we just tryin’ to get this poop out our butts.

What is this, an improv class?

SYN-ES-THESIA.

Carl Weathers should’ve played Lando Calrissian.

I ain’t got time for niceties.

That’s too good for me.

OMAHA OMAHA OMAHA

This is your fault.

I’ve seen worse.

Fatty don’t deserve no apricots.