The F-List: It’s Electric, Boogie Woogie Woogie (International Electrical Outlets)

Plugs are among the only inanimate objects that are also assigned genders. So, are you feeling… turned on? Well, so is our staff. Here’s our latest, and rather shocking, F-List.

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Zach’s List:

Type C

Sex is about options, and Type C is taking me on a Choose Your Own Bone-venture. If bottoming, I’m all about this length and girth Double Dragon double-team cream scene. If topping, the holes are smooth, uniform, not too far apart, with the bonus round of a Phillips-head-screw-clit added into the mix. Can’t fist or shake a fist at any of that.

Type N

I’m a sucker for a tight formation. Very organized, very Blue Angels, very into it.

Type J

At first glance, I see a happy lady with a Bindi. Loses points for being a lady, gains points for being good-spirited.

Type I

Specific, but original angles. I’m torn. Very high ceiling, very low floor. Like fucking an NBA player.

Type D

It’s… fine? Like an unimaginative four-way with one Chad and two Brads post-happy hour at McCormick & Schmick’s after a trade show in Chicago.

Type M

It’s… slightly less fine. Like an unimaginative four-way with one Ryan and two Brians post-happy hour at McCormick & Schmick’s after a trade show in Philadelphia.

Type A

It could be worse. If bottoming, this would be like sleeping with a couple where one is clearly the better option, and you’re just humoring the other. If topping, this is how I picture a lady’s downstairs business—there are two options, and arguments in favor of both, but ultimately, only one’s gonna make the juice flow.

Type H

My relationship with Israel has already fucked me enough for this lifetime. Shalom, Felisha.

Type K

Unless you can prove otherwise, this plug is Faceless from Spirited Away, and only a dummy fucks a ghost.

Type G

Upside-down Voldemort AKA He Who Shall Not Be Face-Fucked.

Type L

Taking or giving, this is would be like getting down with triplets. Which is gross. And if you don’t know why that’s gross, congratulations. You’re fucking gross.

Type B

We’re all on the same page. This is a face. A face that is NOT happy to see my penis.

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Nicole’s List:

Type C

This guy is clearly the winner. Sure, he’s a standard two-holer, but look at the length of those pins! Dig the curve appeal of that socket. This guy is great in bed, I can tell. He doesn’t need a lot of flashy maneuvers or XXX-rated dialogue to get you going, but he can spice things up when you’re both feeling adventurous. Meet me between the sheets, good sir!

Type M

You can tell this guy’s down to clown. A three-hole socket says a lot on its own, but considering how smooth and balanced the plug’s sides are, I have to imagine that this guy wouldn’t push you out of your comfort zone too quickly. He’s freaky, but in a gentlemanly way.

Type D

This is basically Type M, but something’s a little off about him. Maybe he’s got a weird curve to his dick or an unfortunate sex weeze? He’s off putting in a way that makes you question why you’re back in his bed. But you keep on trucking because, you know, three holes—the possibilities!

Type G

Okay, friend. I get that you’re trying to be different here. You’re not like the other three-hole guys. You’re special. But why on Earth are you so rectangular and slim? I don’t believe my bits are shaped in that fashion, so what are we even doing here?

Type A

This guy is just soooo vanilla. There’s a time and place for that—read, a lot of the time for me because Mama has back problems—but this is not a fuck buddy whose “U up?” text would have you starting the car, sans underwear, before he’s even done typing. Still, you need someone mellow when it’s Sunday and you want to get down while keeping your sweater and weekend bra on.

Type L

Why the square shape, my dude? I’m bored just looking at you. Yeah, you have three holes and three pins for said holes, but all those straight lines tell me that you’d have the lamest fetishes—like, doing it with the lights on or in your backyard under a tree.

Type B

This socket looks like a face waiting to get fucked. And I don’t have the time, energy, or interest to go buy a strap-on. Look elsewhere.

Type s N, J, and H

You’re all way too thrusty. Not only are you overly eager, but you seem like you’d barely care whether I’m having a good time. Your eyes are squeezed awfully tight. Are you having trouble concentrating? Do you remember my name? Stop grunting! God. I hate this.

Type I

We can all see how this is Ghostface from Scream, right? Point made.

Type K

This is a child’s face. Look at it. So innocent, so unassuming, so uncrushed by the weight of the world and the fact that our president is an 80s villain with too much time and not enough brains. Get this kid out of here, before they see something that will scar them for the rest of time.

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Ryan’s List:

Type K

Don’t listen to Nicole. She always takes it somewhere weird. Type K is happy (and easy) to please. K-dawg’s just looking to have a good time.

Type N

This is the face of “pleasantly surprised by what you’re packing down there.” As in “wow, he wasn’t lying when he said he needed to adjust himself and then grabbed his pants near his ankle.”

Type “givin’ that” D

‘Nuf said. Butt also, mainly used in India? Home of the Kama Sutra? Even more ‘nuf said. ‘Nuf saider? ‘Nuffer said?

Type G

This was my first European encounter. Sure, it was in England, so it wasn’t too wild but just different enough to “open me up” to new experiences. But also, I’m tempted to stick oddly shaped things in those holes, like car keys…

Type s A, B, and C

I’d say “hard pass,” but the efficiency is leaving me flaccid. If I wanted missionary, I’d join a monastery.

Type L

This is a straight-up three-way.

Type J

I’m scared and confused and not entirely sure what’s going on. So throwing down with Type J is like losing your virginity all over again. It looks like four holes for three plugs, so it begs the question “which hole do I stick it in?”