Want a Perfect Life? Go {Cold Turkey}!

Step right up, guys, gals, and non-binary pals! I’m here to tell you about the Jess Lulka “cold turkey” life improvement method. I could change your life, if you get over the paralyzing anxiety that constantly plagues you!

Are you tired of procrastinating? Do you want to get your life together right now? Well, the best way to do it is just go cold turkey! After all, if you can’t immediately change everything about yourself and execute it perfectly, then what’s the point? With your life in order, you live for the day where “failure” is not a word in your vocabulary. Because now that you’re constantly anxious about maintaining perfection, you won’t allow it.

In order to go cold turkey, here’s what you need to do:

Exercise:

Immediately start exercising three times a week. It doesn’t matter if you hated it before, you’re into it now! Barre, running, yoga, fencing—you do it all with the enthusiasm of the Energizer Bunny.

Diet:

Cut out all sweets and junk at once. If you don’t, how are you going to lose the weight you’ve always wanted to lose? I know you love pizza more than life sometimes, but it just doesn’t have a spot in your “perfected” diet of seltzer water and salads. Hate seltzer water? Doesn’t matter! You’re doing the cold turkey lifestyle change, so you need to immediately accept La Croix as your savior.

Housework:

Yes, your apartment is clean, but is it spotless? As a part of the cold turkey lifestyle, you’re constantly cleaning: Dust may not enter your apartment! Even though you have hardwood floors that collect an absurd amount of dust, they’ll always be so shiny you could sock-skate on them, dammit!

Social Life:

Overnight, you’re going to find that you can achieve the Sex and the City constant brunch lifecycle you’ve always wanted and dreamed about since you were 13 and watching Friends. Assemble your posse, locate your favorite brunch spots, and prepare yourself for non-stop gossip, since you won’t have any time to yourself as you live your life like a scripted sitcom.

Romance:

Single? Put yourself out there! Install all the dating apps, since there’s no time like the present! After all, any moment spent to yourself in sad singledom is one less moment you have to let love into your life.

If you’re taken, well then step it up and make sure that your relationship is exactly like a Hollywood-style romance. Not only do you have perfect dates, but you also always understand what your partner wants, you two never fight, and you’re always able to look slightly-comfy-yet-put-together-and-sexy every day. Not to mention you’re never sad, because you have someone in your life and won’t die alone!

Overall, the cold turkey lifestyle method is very simple: Just stop doing what’s bad for you, start doing what you want, and you’ll have the perfect life! It’s just like when I cured my anxiety when people started telling me to “not worry” about things—I’m a completely new person!

Just kidding, it was actually the antidepressants.