Non-Voters: The Disgusting {Lazy River} Floaters in America’s Democracy

Oh, you didn’t vote?

I’ll bet you were too busy, huh. I’ll bet it was like—with work and then having to go to the Whole Foods hot bar after not working out—just like the last thing on your to-do list. You just didn’t get around to it. It happens to lots of Americans.

You feel guilty about it, don’t you?

Because deep down, you know that you were supposed to vote. And you meant to, honestly. You thought about it. You heard Oprah and Kid Rock telling people to vote. Plus, it was basically everything you learned in high school social studies classes. So you knew it was something you were supposed to do. You’re not an idiot. You get it. It’s important.

But like, how important is voting, really?

You’re doing fine for yourself. You’ve got a good job. You live in a decent enough neighborhood—it’s not great, certainly lacking in decent restaurant options, but it’s fine for now. You’ve got a phone, a car, food on the table, and enough saved to go to Cabo with your friends this winter. Your parents paid for most of college, so your loans are affordable enough—I mean, you’re not thrilled about Sallie Mae, but, meh, you’ll figure it out. And, you’re not worried about taxes or social security yet because, man. It’s kind of a bummer to think about that stuff.

Besides, isn’t it more irresponsible to just vote willy-nilly than to not vote at all?

How are you supposed to know where you stand on immigration? Or abortion. Or trans rights. Or the opioid crisis. These issues are so complicated, and well, they really don’t affect your life right now. So, why burn precious mental bandwidth considering them? Isn’t life already hard enough without introducing other people’s shit?

Well, let me tell you something, you entitled Prince of Privilege.

I’m really fucking sorry that small-d democracy takes work. That in order to have self-rule, you have to put down your goddamn iPhone to answer your door and talk to a nice human being who cares enough about the issues to march around your neighborhood with pamphlets. That if you don’t want to hand over all your decisions to a fucking tyrant, you actually have to pay attention and have an opinion on things.

Aren’t you the luckiest person, that you don’t have to consider such things?

I’m sorry that to maintain basic civil liberties, you have to actually consider how shit affects people who have different lives and circumstances than you do. I’m sorry that if you want freedom, you have to care. I’m sorry that you actually have to think. I’m sorry it’s so hard for you to do that. I’m sorry it doesn’t fit into your schedule. I’m sorry democracy is so inconvenient and difficult.

But this is America.

So get off your fat ass, and stop whining about how someone in your office is mean to you. Stop internalizing how you wish your dad had been around more often growing up. That’s what these asshole political consultants are counting on. They’re counting on you to be stupid and inert. They’re counting on you to not care enough.

And honestly, that’s gross. It’s just negligent and irresponsible. If you don’t care now, what could possibly make you care? If you don’t have an opinion yet, when do you plan on adding “make a fucking decision” into your busy schedule? If you can’t find the time or energy to read a goddamn website written at a 4th grade-level, or mail in a ballot, or stand in line with a bunch of excited nerds, then why do you even live here?

If you don’t want to vote, to participate in this Great Experiment, what do you want?

If you’re looking to avoid decisions altogether, might I recommend moving to a country with an authoritarian dictatorship? The irony is that there are so many great ones to choose from. What a pickle for you.