Michael Myers, Pro Football Prospect, Rejects NFL Offers

Number one prospect, Michael Myers, says he is not interested in playing in the NFL next year, dashing the hopes of the many pro football teams who have been actively scouting him over the last few months.

“While I appreciate the recognition and adulation, I am not interested in a profession as senselessly violent and dangerous as the NFL,” Myers mumbled through his facemask. “I’ve been doing a lot of reading about concussions and CTE. All these guys with memory loss. I am someone who is massively fueled by my memories. Without them, who would I even be?”

Myers’s stock skyrocketed recently, as the Haddonfield State (Illinois) prospect made headlines on a weekly basis. While Myers hasn’t been tested against SEC speed, scouts say his Midwestern pedigree could put him on par with some of the Big Ten’s best.

Unlike many other college prospects, jumping to the NFL to support a family is not a priority for Myers. After killing his sister as a young boy, his parents denounced him. He prefers to be a lone wolf, living a low profile life away from the spotlight of Division 1 college football.

At 61 years old, Myers would be the oldest rookie since the Browns drafted 28 year-old Brandon Weeden. Myers is even older than most of the head coaches, leading some experts to wonder if coaches or anyone will be able to get through to him.

Yet, as the NFL increasingly shifts to an offensive dominated game, teams throughout the league are looking for a defensive stopper who can anchor a unit. With Myers they see the potential of a pursuit player with tremendous size, who can line up in both man packages and monster packages. And boy, can he get to the runner and tackle with precision.

Classically, the New England Patriots were the first team to show interest, a team that many consider consistently ahead of the curve. Some chalked it up to the Pats ignoring the same evils they always overlook, but soon other teams were sending scouts on fact finding trips to Haddonfield.

Myers’s non-traditional pursuit methods have former players questioning whether his talents can translate to the NFL. “He’s slow. Laterally he doesn’t have bursts. His 40 time is seconds behind the field. I know I’ve seen him in chase-down situations, but those weren’t pros,” said former Giants star Michael Strahan.

One West Coast front office executive echoed the sentiment, “I hate how the advanced analytics community has changed the way we evaluate talent. For me it’s the eye test, and the bottom line is this—he can’t keep up.”

Others though, believe in this generational talent. An unnamed general manager praised Myers’s “non-stop motor” and called him “a freak of nature” who will “put the fear of God into the opposing offensive line.” Myers shot up Mel Kiper’s draft boards after his performance on homecoming weekend, where he stood out for wreaking havoc on a college town.

Myers, known sometimes as “Big Mike” in football circles, drew praise for his escapability and relentlessness and strength but detractors question whether there are too many off the field distractions like sexually active teenagers walking home alone. Many question Myers’s decision-making, given his penchant for murder and his poor performance on the Wonderlic Test, putting him on the same level as some of the league’s biggest draft busts.

But Myers wants the haters to know he isn’t scoring low on confidence, “(The NFL) looks like fun and I believe my talents could translate to success in the league. But I don’t love the way the NFL is headed, and the narratives surrounding it. I may be a bloodthirsty lunatic, but domestic violence and steroid use are not things I want associated with Michael Myers. Plus why isn’t Colin Kaepernick in the league?”

Myers hasn’t been seen in days, missing Haddonfield’s pro-day and putting his Senior Bowl in jeopardy. He was last entering a forest, perhaps validating front office concerns about his dependability.