My Bills Maniac Dream

I open my eyes. I stare at the roof of my pod. I have agreed to be a participant in a study done by Neberdine Pharmaceutical and Biotech. I have already relived the worst day of my life via the A-pill, and it sucked. I mean, it’s good to work through our own personal traumas, but it was pretty rough.

It’s time for my B-pill. I sit in the chair and have the radiation vest placed on me. I am handed the B-pill, which is supposed to be “behavioral” and induce some kind of fantasy or alternate reality in my brain. Justin Theroux tells me to ingest the pill. God, he has a hot voice. Also, I know he’s in a goofy wig and glasses, but you can’t fool me. He’s still handsome as fuck. I take the pill without water because that is my superpower. I close my eyes and enter my dream world.

I open my eyes. I’m on the couch in my Los Angeles apartment. I’m in white t-shirt emblazoned with “Billieve.” The Bills are playing the Vikings. I text my friend Chelsea, who is a Vikings fan. The line of the game is weirdly high—the Vikings are favored to win by 16.5. That is historic. I chuckle, awaiting the Bills’ inevitable downfall. I think the game will still be a Bills loss, but not by over two touchdowns. The game starts. Josh Allen dives like an Olympic gymnast into the end zone. 7-0 Bills.

“Wow, this is cool,” I think. I text Chelsea again. “I’m gonna savor this Bills lead since it will probably be the only one all season.”

I send texts with my family. This is more first downs than the Bills have had all season. Kirk Cousins gets strip sacked. The Bills kick a FG. 10-0. Fuck, this fantasy is rad. Good job, NPB.

Josh Allen hurdles over a defender for a first down, like a gazelle escaping a hungry lion. I’m in love. Who is this QB? Where did he come from? The Bills D forces another fumble. Josh Allen leaps over the pack of defenders from the 1 yard line, heaving his body over the pile like he’s pushing a boulder up the mountain.

It’s 17-0 Bills. Then it’s 20-0 Bills. Then it’s 27-0 Bills. I don’t understand how any of this is happening. At this point, my family and I are texting to make Super Bowl plans.

I clean my room at halftime. A weirdly menial task to include in a fantasy, but OK, I’ve got a ton of energy pent up from this. Points for realism.

The clock keeps ticking down. The Vikings offense can’t get anything going. Josh Allen now speaks to me from the TV. “It’s gonna be OK, Erin. I’ve got this,” he smiles and winks, then points at me with finger guns. I need to lie down.

“PROTECT THIS MAN CHILD,” I yell at the Bills O-line. They salute me, hearing my instructions.

It’s under 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter. I take a deep breath. I’m starting to relax and enjoy myself. This is fun, I think, smiling. I eat another couple Bagel Bites. What a day.

Three minutes to go. The Vikings are on the board. I nod, it was bound to happen. They go for 2 and are denied. It feels good. Garbage time, baby!

The Vikings attempt an onside kick. There are a couple of bad bounces, but it’s Bills ball. Nothing stupid, guys. Just run out the clock.

The two minute warning hits. I check on the rest of the AFC East. Miami won, so they’re 3-0 – gross. The Jets already lost on Thursday. The Patriots play the Lions tonight, so it’s safe to say the Bills will be tied with the Jets for last.

But today, the Bills won. That’s the only thing that matters.

I started Vikings QB Kirk Cousins in my work fantasy league, even though I also have Matt Ryan. That’s how little faith I had in the Bills today. Meanwhile, Ryan ended up throwing five touchdowns. I shake my head again. I’ll take the L. The Bills got the W.

The clock ticks down to zero. The Bills won! I smile. I put on the Bills Shout Song. I get up to go run some errands. And then I wake up.

“Welcome back, subjects. Welcome back,” I hear Justin Theroux’s hot voice again. I feel fantastic. But now I’m back in the real world, and next week the Bills play the Packers.

What a crazy dream I had.