Thoughts on the {Royal Wedding} from an Avid Netflix Watcher

On May 19 millions of folks around the world will be gathering around their “tellies” to watch the Royal Wedding. Count me as one of those folks not planning to tune in. Not because I have no interest in the Royal Family because, believe me, I do. I binge watched both seasons of The Crown on Netflix just recently, and I can say, without qualification, it is the best period drama I’ve seen since Game of Thrones. Seriously, the algo said I was a 98% match for the show after I’d wrapped up the first seasons of Narcos and Fuller House, and though I was originally worried it might be a bit stodgy, I can say that 20 episodes later, IT DID NOT DISAPPOINT.

So let’s be clear. I adore the Royal Family.

I mean, I remember when Elizabeth was married to Philip in Westminster Abbey. November 20, 1947. Elizabeth in her simple, elegant gown. Philip looking unsure of what to do with himself beside her. The whole world watching. I remember every single detail as dramatically recreated in Episode 1 of The Crown. Yes, I adore the Royal Family. I adore Elizabeth and little Charles — well not so little now, but he was a runt back in Season 1!

But these grandchildren. They are just so … millennial.

Did you know they aren’t even getting married in the Abbey like Elizabeth and Philip? No, they’ve instead opted for a destination wedding on the grounds of Windsor Castle. Getting married in a castle is literally the most basic millennial thing you could possibly do right now. I can just picture the drip coffee stations at the base of the towers and the wedding party arriving across the drawbridge to the latest Lumineers song. I can picture them touring the grounds with their wedding planner and asking about the moat, only to be told that “Water features are really in this year.” They probably won’t even have chairs for guests in the courtyard because “sitting too much is bad for your heart” or some bullshit. What the hell is wrong with getting married in a church in this day and age? I’m not even religious myself, but I can appreciate the importance of rituals. I mean, if you learn anything from watching 20 episodes of The Crown over the course of MLK weekend, it’s that rituals matter. History matters.

And I can only assume that Prince Harry met Miss Markle on Hollywood’s version of Tinder.

How else can we explain the person who is sixth in line to inherit the crown becoming engaged to the person who is the sixth most important character on a USA Network show? Admittedly, there’s a certain parallel in Harry reaching down below his class to marry Meghan, just as Elizabeth did in marrying that handsome manchild Philip. But even though Philip was not British nor in a particularly good financial standing, he was at least part of the Commonwealth, and he was, lest it go unnoticed, an honest to god Prince. Markle wasn’t even a big enough celebrity to have met the musician Prince (before his tragic death, of course.)

These two kids — and that’s really what they are — haven’t had to sacrifice the way Elizabeth and Philip did. They don’t know what it feels like to have the weight of the entire British Empire on their shoulders; to spend months parading around the globe on the Commonwealth tour, just as Elizabeth and Philip did in Episodes 2 and 8, or to be advised by Winston Churchill, brilliantly portrayed by John Lithgow, on a smog crisis (Episode 4) or a cover-up regarding an Egyptian coup (Episode 11.)

No, I’m sorry, it’s just difficult to become invested in the lives of a couple whose most difficult decision so far in life has been whether or not to invite the Obamas to their big day.

Hey, I’m sure if the Obamas can’t make it across the pond this month, you all can still meet up for dinner one night in Davos.

So on May 19, while millions of my fellow countrymen and women set their alarm clocks for 5 a.m. and hope their current cable package includes the BBC network, you’ll excuse me if I take a hard pass. Instead I’ll be catching up on Peaky Blinders and scouring the internet for information about the release date of Season 3 of The Crown.