Who *Wouldn’t* You {Interview}? A Very Petty Miniprompt

This week’s #INTERVIEW prompt has been off to a storming success thus far, with some great pieces. But we still want more. So, we put a twist on a classic and asked our staff the following question:

If you could interview anyone dead or alive, who WOULDN’T you interview?

Petty? Sure. But some people are *yawn* not worth the time.

Jillian Conochan wouldn’t interview Beyoncé or Jay Z.

🎶 To the left, to the left
Jay Z and Beyoncé, go on and get effed
No intentions to interview you
No Rumi, no Sir, and certainly not Blue

Thanks but no thanks; not trynna throw shade
Your family, your music, it’s all a charade
From Lemonade to 4:44
Don’t wanna be a party to your drama no more

Bonnie and Clyde ’03 comes on,
So I gots to change the station
FOH with that fan manipulation
You must be trippin’

Erin Vail wants no time with Ansel Elgort.

I wouldn’t want to interview Ansel Elgort. HOT TAKE: I don’t think he is a very good actor, I don’t like looking at his face, and I find him to be very full of himself. He’s also been anointed the next big thing, and I just don’t get it! I’ve been soured on him since this Elle interview where he talks about how the perfect girl watches him play video games for three hours after going to an EDM concert. GROSS. Fun fact: Ansel used to be an EDM DJ and his name was “Ansolo.” As in Han Solo. To quote the great Kelly Kapoor, first of all, how dare you. YOU WILL NEVER BE AS COOL AS HAN SOLO.  He seems like an entitled, self important, mediocre bro with nothing meaningful to add to art or culture. I have no desire to learn anything more about this man. I don’t mean to get so negative, but he sucks.

Zach Straus wants to interview a lot of athletes, but specifically not this one.

[2(1 + Number of Tattoos of Either: A Ball or Other Sporting Element, Barbed Wire, Celtic Bullshit, or Tribal Nonsense) + (Number of Postgame Praises to God or Jesus)^2] / [(Lack of Self Awareness) + (Sense of Skill Level – Objective Skill Level)]^-1 = The Athlete I Would Least Like To Interview

Kelaine Conochan won’t even Google your boy Tucker Max.

Is Tucker Max still a thing/person? Because I’d never interview that fucking guy. I’m pretty ashamed to know he even exists, which he might not, because I don’t know if he’s still around. But it feels like he’d be someone who would now call himself “an influencer,” which he’s not, because I don’t even know whether he’s alive anymore. But there was a time where he was a thing, and his thing was being a hedonist, which he pretended was original, but it was not because hedonism is what caused the original sin. Anyway, I guess I should zoom out a bit further because, to be honest, I wouldn’t interview anyone named Tucker, period. Get better parents, Tucker.

Jesse Stone will take a hard pass on the vampires.

I would not, under any circumstances, want to interview a vampire. Honestly, it seems like a really, really stupid idea. I get that an interviewer might think to themselves—this person is not an actual vampire, but they believe they are, and that could make for an interesting story. Which, fine. But if you decide you must interview someone claiming to be a vampire, you do not, under any circumstances, meet this “person” in a secluded hotel room (looking at you Christian Slater AKA Daniel Molloy). You meet them at a fucking T.G.I.Friday’s, you order garlic parmesan wings for your appetizer and meal, and you send off a tweet just before that says “Interviewing vampire right now at T.G.I.Friday’s. if I go missing u know whats up.”

On the other hand, if things do go south, the title of the Vanity Fair piece practically writes itself: “Interview with the Vampire who Interviewed the Vampire.”

Dennis William has only one question for Napoleon.

I wouldn’t want to interview Napoleon Bonaparte, because I don’t speak French or Italian, so what’s the point? And even if I had a translator, I wouldn’t know what to ask other than “So, Waterloo? What’s that about?”

Friend of The Prompt Amy Felton’s brain hurts just thinking about Stephen Hawking.

I think interviewing Stephen Hawking would be really challenging so I would say him. No matter how much research you do, there’s a high probability you would still end up looking stupid. To be safe, I’d pick Taylor Swift instead. I can’t stand her and the dance moves in her latest video insulted me personally, but she’s still an easier interview than ol’ Einstein (which was Stephen Hawking’s childhood nickname and incidentally, another person I’d eschew interviewing).