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Valentine’s Day was yesterday, and, yes, I’m single. People like to ask what I’m looking for in a guy; usually, I have no idea how to answer them. I typically respond with something along the lines of, “Someone who hates Tom Brady as much as I do?” and then move the conversation away from my personal life because, hi, boundaries! Also, how can you put qualifications or limits on real people? You can’t! Be who you want to be and love whom you want to love!
I do, however, have a lot of specific requirements for a fictional vampire boyfriend. Vampire romance is a major fiction genre now, and I have consumed a lot more of this content than I’d like to admit. (Sidenote: Remember how America once had Twilight fever, and a bunch of us liked it unironically and were super into it? I burned through those books in like a week and saw the first three movies at midnight! I cared too much but so did the nation! That period of time happened, and I will never forget.) Anyways, based on my extensive “research,” I have outlined my terms for ever dating one of those undead, intellectual vampire babes. This is my fictional vampire boyfriend wishlist.
MY FICTIONAL VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND MUST:
- Be at least 200 years old (but, preferably, be, like, 800 years old)
- Have an encyclopedic knowledge of all things history
- Own some piece of old property that has been lovingly restored but has vestiges of its original time period (see: the Salvatore house on The Vampire Diaries)
- Have a house with some kind of old-timey photo or portrait of him in his prime
- Live in either New Orleans, rural Louisiana, Virginia, the Pacific Northwest, or Oxford
- Talk about the smell of my blood in a sexy but not too scary way
- Constantly talk about how tortured he is but not tell me why for at least 400 pages/3 full weeks of us hanging out every day, 24 hours a day
- Know the exact strand of hair that falls out when I put my hair up and put it behind my ear every time
- Have at least one or two specialized skills, such as playing the piano, being a wine connoisseur, or performing surgery
- Be a member of a secret society or covenant that has extremely outdated and/or strict rules
- Find my most hated feature irresistible
- Tell me how strong I am and always remind me I’m not a damsel in distress but never pass up the opportunity to scoop me up and bridal-carry me, protect my honor, and defend me against: ancient vampire peacekeepers and lawmakers, other vampires, werewolves, werepanthers, fairies, witches, humans, his own family, his own bloodlust, and peril at every turn
- Be so obsessed with me that he sneaks in through my bedroom window and watches me sleeping, even though he knows I hate it and have told him numerous times to stop
- Have a tragic past, maybe multiple wives, and/or jealous exes, and/or vampire children he feels guilty about
- Always wear dark clothing, so the contrast with his pale skin is almost blinding
- Be acutely aware of my hunger levels at all times
- Be emotionally compromised at the thought of turning me into a vampire
- Be willing to let me age naturally and tell me how beautiful I’ll be when I’m 80
- Find me to be the most interesting and beautiful human he’s ever known, despite living through fascinating time periods and having known famous scientists, inventors, and artists
- Be extra dramatic when he has to leave me for even the shortest period of time
- Be insanely rich and drive a dangerously fast sports car; also, extremely fussy about buckling my seatbelt and opening the car door
- Have an additional vampire power (e.g.,. mind reading, compulsion, or emotion control)
- Be really good at baseball
- Be extra nice to my family and friends, in a way that is annoying at first but eventually endearing to them
- Always remind me how stupid I am for falling in love with a vampire, adding, “What idiot would love a beautiful, immortal monster whose main skill is seduction? Haha, dork, you fell for it!!!”
- Vow to kill Tom Brady for me (OK, this has never happened in vampire fiction, I’M SURE, but it’s a requirement for me)
If you know any single vampires, please give them my number. Unless they don’t use phones because they’re averse to technology.
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