The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshops.

1. Jimmy Garoppolo (1-0)

No Brady? No Gronk? No problem! The Patriots showed why they’re the organization of the century (and it’s not even close). Your impossibly handsome GOAT quarterback is erroneously suspended for four games for a crime he didn’t commit? Just plug in your impossibly handsome backup and go win a road game as a 9-point underdog against a team that went 13-3 last year. With home contests against Miami, Houston, and Buffalo rounding out the Brady suspension a 4-0 start is in (and on) the Cards.
 

2. Jack Del Rio’s Balls

Are the Raiders the 2nd best team in football? No, but their coach had bigger balls than anyone else this weekend (with the possible exception of the goofball in the hat and the red shirt). On the road against a Saints offense that was scoring at-will, the soon-to-be Vegas Raiders gambled on a 2-point conversion with 47 seconds left, facing a 34-33 deficit, and converted. Huge balls.
 

3. Francis Scott Key

Not since The Dan Band slayed “Total Eclipse of the Heart” in Old School has a song had a faster revival. Thanks to an underachieving backup quarterback and his oddly timed protest in support of a race that he may or may not belong to, our national anthem is back, baby! Let’s face it, ”America The Beautiful” is a better song… “The Star-Spangled Banner” was clearly hearing footsteps. Thankfully Colin Kaepernick stepped in, sat down, and put FSK’s #1 hit back in the headlines.
 

4. Headshots

After years of concussion discussion, player safety regulations, and increased on-field penalties, violence made a big comeback on Thursday night. It’s about time that the NFL looked themselves in the mirror and decided to stop being such pussies. Sure, you’re still not allowed to try and decapitate a white quarterback, but assuming the victim is around 6’5”/245, it’s open season!
 

5. RandyRanderson1

Randy (if that’s his real name) won ONE MILLION DOLLARS on Sunday by picking a near perfect daily fantasy team, on a website that will remain nameless because The Prompt is the only place where they don’t advertise. Oh, and his investment? $3. This fucking guy. Or girl. Or computer generated algorithm. I see a few new pairs of shoes in Mrs. Randerson1’s future.
 

6. Dr. James Andrews

Life is short and ligaments are fickle. As the Red Zone Channel cuts to Jacksonville, we watch Jordy Nelson in tears of joy after scoring a touchdown, relieved to be back after missing the 2015 campaign with a knee injury. Jump to Kansas City and Keenan Allen is crying too, carted off the field with a torn ACL, knowing that his season is over. The winner? Orthopedic surgeons everywhere! Not only are NFL players walking (and running and cutting) advertisements for reconstructive knee surgery, they also provide an endless supply of business. You should see Mrs. Andrews’ closet.
 

7. Peyton Manning

On one hand Peyton’s legacy took a hit this week as a no-name QB with a single career snap on his resume guided the Broncos to victory in the Super Bowl rematch. On the other hand, Peyton the television personality started his retirement campaign with a bang. His DirectTV commercial is a favorite among moms (and the lame), he was a natural with Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth in the NBC booth (start the bidding), and he “killed” at the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe.

Sarcasm aside, Manning pulled off two incredible feats at the roast: First, he flawlessly delivered the jokes written for him by Jeff Ross and a team of joke writers. Second, and most impressive, he managed to negotiate a deal where the other roasters could only make fun of the size of his head, and were — I assume — contractually forbidden from mentioning HGH or the time when he stuck his balls on a female trainer’s face as a “student-athlete” at the University of Tennessee. This is the leverage that comes with being the only real celebrity on a dais with the likes of Rob Riggle, Jewel, and Ralph Macchio.
 

8. Backup Running Backs

Spencer Ware and DeAngelo Williams combined for 370 all-purpose yards as they filled in for injured Jamaal Charles and suspend Le’Veon Bell, providing further evidence that the position is becoming more about scheme and less about individual talent. Never forget:

9. The Cleveland Cavaliers

The Browns are terrible. They lost by 19 to a rookie quarterback while RG3 opted to go full crash test dummy into a defender instead of stepping out of bounds, landing himself on the IR. The best thing they can hope for this season is the #1 overall pick. But guess what? NOBODY IN CLEVELAND CARES! The Indians are comfortably in first place in the AL Central, and all the fans are still hungover from the Cavs parade (except for this guy, who probably died of E. Coli). LeBron & Co delivered their pigskin counterparts and the previously depressed fan base a free pass for 2016.
 

10. Jeff Fisher

The man promised that the Rams wouldn’t go 7-9 this year, and it looks like he’s going to make good on that. After a 28-0 trouncing at the hands of Blaine Gabbert and the 49ers, the Los Angeles football team looks like a 5-12 squad at best.
 

Also Receiving Votes:

The Color-Blind community, Sean McDonough, Andrew Luck fantasy owners, Salsa (the dance), Danny Woodhead, The Troops, Salsa (the dip), Famous Jameis, Islands not named Revis, The AFC West, Chris “Hollywood” Hogan, The Mighty Bengals of Cincinnati, and this tweet: