The Official State of the Union Predictor: Miniprompt

At this very moment,

Pundits across America are practicing their diction, combing their hair just so, and preparing for their big night. 

The President is drinking a soda, combing his fuzzpile just so, and preparing for his huge, tremendous, great great great night.

But we’re not interested in waiting. At The Prompt, we stay ahead of the trends. So we went ahead and predicted the 2018 State of the Union address.

Scott Snowman predicts Pennsylvania.

“The 2018 State of the Union is Pennsylvania.  They said it’s impossible for a Republican to win the electoral college. But I won Pennsylvania and beat Hillary Clinton. Big league. They said it couldn’t be done. But I did it.

You know what’s so great about the state of Pennsylvania? They make steel. And you can’t do that without coal. And we are bringing coal back, believe me. Thank you.”

(Unintelligible off-camera)

“The whole country? What? The rest of the country is a shithole.”

Zach Straus’s predicts in all caps.

THE STATE OF THE UNION IS STRONG

WEBSTERS DEFINES STRONG AS HAVING GREAT PHYSICAL POWER

DONT BELIEVE ME LOOK IT UP

AS EVERYONE KNOWS I HAVE THE MOST PHYSICAL POWER OF ANY PRESIDENT EVER

I HAVE SO MUCH PHYSICAL POWER I CAN FORCE A PERSON TO DO SOMETHING EVEN IF THEY DONT WANT TO

I DONT ASK PERMISSION I JUST FORCE HER

Brian McGackin predicts what is both unbelievable and believable.

The “state” of the union is incredible, believe me. There’s never been a State like this. Huge growth everywhere, and I’m talking everywhere, you wouldn’t believe it if I told you. You know what, I’m not gonna tell you, because you wouldn’t believe me, but trust me, it’s absolutely “incredible.” Things are going so well, they’re gonna be “talking” about us for years. Years. And that’s the state we’re in folks. You’re gonna thank me later, “believe” me.

Jesse Stone predicts no collusion.

“The State of the Union is…Over. Мои товарищи товарищи. Я подождал год, чтобы сказать вам эти слова. Я доставляю вам сообщение прямо из Москвы: сейчас самое время подняться на родину. Трюк, в который мы «отпустил стену», наконец-то окупился. Когда мы говорим, что наши истребители МиГ пролетают над Аляской, и наша кибер-армия берет под контроль электрические сети в Нью-Йорке, Лос-Анджелесе, Чикаго и многих других городах. И это только начало. В конце концов, мы построим эту стену, но не оставим других. Да здравствует U.S.S.U.S.A.R.”

Dennis William predicts great beauty.

The state of our Union is fresh and firm. The beautiful roundness is something to behold. And yet, when you peel back the layers, it brings a tear to your eye. But after chopping it up, you have Ludwig, your family’s personal chef who also told you about love and the menstrual cycle using a freshly plucked chicken, throw it in some butter and simmer it. Yes, the state of our Union is delicious.

Josh Bard predicts it’s the Democrats’ emails.

The state of the union is strong. Bigly strong. Uuuuugely strong. Let me assure you that this country, Hillary, she was wrong, way wrong. And I told her just like I told everyone, you can’t trust ‘em, you cant because THERE’S NO COLLUSION FOLKS no matter how much they want it. And they want it. Because it’s about safety for our children who are so pure and good just the most beautiful angelic and gorgeous children and they are coming across the border in droves. Point is we’ve done more in months than anyone would believe about Debbie Wasserman Schultz? It’s her emails.

Jay Kasten predicts the Jonas Brothers.

The State of the Union is Futuristic.

I’ve been to the year 3000.
Not much has changed, but they lived underwater.
And your great-great-great-granddaughter
Is doing fine…