Prompt Images
Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Hollywood Rams
The game of the weekend pitted the surprising 7-3 Rams against the resurgent 8-2 Saints. It wasn’t as much of a shootout as the public expected but the young upstarts were able to hold off Brees & Co thanks to 354 passing yards from Jared Goff. L.A. will now visit Arizona and host Philly before a trip to Seattle that will likely decide the division. The Saints situation is a bit messier (see #7).
Also it is worth noting that Sean McVay was still in high school during the Sandusky Era at Penn State, making him a potential candidate for the Tennessee head coaching job.
2. Philadelphia Eagles
I don’t think anyone expected the Bears to be the ones to upend the wagon, but Sunday’s 24-3 beat down showed that the league’s best team doesn’t take weeks off. They could have easily looked ahead to road games against the Seahawks and Rams but instead they took care of business.
At this point I really feel terrible for Eagles fans. One of the most scorned fanbases in all of sports is slowly building confidence. They felt that the hot start was too good to be true, but even the most pessimistic of this salty group has their sites set on the Super Bowl by now. The NFC championship game loss is going to crush them, and you can’t help but to sympathize.
But then you remember that they’re all assholes and it becomes funny.
3. New England Patriots
Speaking of assholes, there go those Patriots again. The 2-2 start is a distant memory as they have won 7 in a row and have all but locked up a 1st round bye. They did not play their best game but rolled over the inferior Dolphins 35-17. They will go to Buffalo next week before a rematch in Miami, a trip to Pittsburgh and home games against the Bills and Jets to close the season.
Right now the only questions for Pats fans are 1) Will we go 14-2 or 13-3? and 2) Who will we play in the AFC Championship game. Thankfully the team isn’t as cocky as their fans and have their heads down preparing for their next opponent.
4. Mike Tomlin’s Balls
You know who doesn’t have his head down preparing for his next opponent? ^ That guy! In an NBC interview that aired during Sunday night’s pregame show, the Steelers coach looked three opponents ahead to a December 17th game with the Patriots. He tells Tony Dungy that it “is probably gonna be Part One. That’s gonna be a big game. But probably, if we both do what we’re supposed to do, the second one is really gonna be big. And what happens in the first is gonna set up the second one… is gonna determine the location of the second one.”
An hour later his team was trailing Brett Hundley’s Packers 14-6, before squeaking out a 31-28 win at home. He should take a page from Belichick’s book and just move on to Cincinnati.
5. San Diego Chargers
Last week I predicted that the previously 0-4 Chargers would make the playoffs at 8-8. This week I’m willing to predict that they don’t lose again and take the AFC West at 10-6. They obliterated the Cowboys on Thanksgiving and are now just a game back of the reeling Chiefs. Take a look at the rest of their schedule:
Find me a loss… I’ll wait.
6. Ezekiel Elliott
Nothing chases a turkey dinner like watching America’s least favorite team absolutely implode. Is it possible that the Cowboys were that reliant on a stud running back!?! How is Jason Garrett still their coach after 8 seasons and an 0-2 playoff record? Should Tony Romo have retired?? Could he still come back??? So many questions… so few answers. Sorry Jerry, couldn’t have happened to be a better guy.
7. NFC South
Things are getting wild in the NFC! If the season ended today the South would be sending 3 teams to the dance, as the division is up for grabs between a trio of hot teams. Luckily the season does not end today, and we’ll get to see a bunch of playoffesque games before all is said and done: The Panthers will play the Saints next week and close the season in Atlanta on New Year’s Eve. Meanwhile the Falcons and Saints still have a couple games to play (on 12/7 & 12/24). The most important aspect of this scenario is that it gave me an excuse to use the picture of Matty Ice in a bra.
8. Tryptophan
This is where I’m supposed to talk about the Vikings and Redskins winning on Thanksgiving Day. I’m supposed to mention that the Vikings remained atop the NFC North while the Redskins remained in the playoff hunt. Unfortunately these games were incredibly boring. Fortunately I had enough Turkey juice running through my veins that I don’t remember either of them. You don’t come here for the analysis though so I won’t lose sleep, literally or figuratively.
9. Jimmy Garoppolo
Before we conclude this week, I need to give a quick shout out to the league’s most handsome quarterback. Jimmy G gave 49ers fans a little preview of what they might come to expect next season. He entered the game late in the 4th quarter after C.J. Beathard went down with an injury and threw 2 passes, completing them both, the second for a touchdown as time expired. Sure, they lost 24-13 to the Seahawks, but it was still nice to play Just The Tip, just to see how it feels.
10. Mohamed Sanu
If we’re going to give Garoppolo credit for his efficient passing stats then we need to close the week with Atlanta’s versatile wide receiver. Sanu threw a 51-yard touchdown pass to Julio Jones in Sunday’s win over the Bucs. It was the 3rd TD on the 6th pass he has thrown in his career, all of which have been completed:
Maybe the teams who desperately need an upgrade at quarterback but are too racist to sign Colin Kaepernick should be looking at Sanu instead. If only this play was legal:
Also Receiving Votes: Anyone who doesn’t play fantasy football, Tyrod Taylor, Alvin Kamara, Blaine Gabbert, War Eagle & My Bookie
RELATED
