How the Shit Did the {Monstars} Lose That Game?

In the 1996 movie Space Jam, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and the rest of the Looney Tunes gang recruit Michael Jordan to compete in a basketball game against a crew of menacing aliens. Calling themselves the Monstars, the aliens possess the abilities of some of history’s most talented and skilled professional basketball players: Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, Muggsy Bogues, and Shawn Bradley. The Monstars are violent, fearless, and have no remorse or regard for their earthling opponents. They came to win at all costs, even if they have to literally injure every single player on the Looney Tunes roster.

All that being said, how the shit did the Monstars lose that game?

Again:

Space aliens stole the basketball skills of *AHEM*:

• NBA All-Rookie Team player Shawn Bradley
• FIBA World Championship gold medal winner, Muggsy Bogues
• NBA Rookie of the Year, two-time NBA All Star, Larry Johnson
• 11-time All-Star, two-time Olympian, NBA Hall of Famer Patrick Ewing
• 11-time All-Star, two-time Olympian, NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley.

And Warner Brothers posits that Michael Jordan is single-handedly better at basketball than ALL OF THEM COMBINED.

Michael Bluth if you would please…

Some might argue I’m missing a critical moment to the movie:

“The Toon Squad won because Michael learned he could use the power of Looney Toon land to defy the laws of physics and surpass his earth-bound, mortal, limitations.”

To that I say: LAME.

So could the Monstars. They’d been doing it the whole game! And let us not forget they’d possessed Muggsy Bogues, who at 5 foot 4 inches with a 44-inch vertical leap, was more or less already a physics-breaking cartoon character on the court.

And don’t come at me about “Michael’s Secret Stuff.”

Now hold on to something, because I’m about to rock your very foundations of trust:

In Looney Toon Land, everybody is a Looney Toon. And they were all under the threat of alien imprisonment.

So that means this guy:

This guy:

This guy:

OH AND THIS GUY IN PARTICULAR:

Yeah, the dang REF. You want to try and tell me that this shit wasn’t rigged? Good luck, friend. If I was the ref of a game upon which my own eternal slavery was at stake, I might find myself seeing some extraneous fouls, some lane violations. Some double dribbles. Hell. Triple-, quadruple-dribbles.

I love the Looney Tunes just like anybody else my age does, in that I am willing to tolerate them until some better, more modern cartoons come on TV. I’m not here to argue in favor of the Looney Tunes becoming eternal attractions at some distant space amusement park. I’m only here to state the facts, honor those phenomenal basketball players who Warner Brothers sees as “less than,” and bring to light what’s a clear-cut conspiracy. The Monstars were robbed, robbed by way of a cleaner story, one that hoists up America’s favorite rabbit and America’s favorite basketball star.

That being said, the game’s outcome is all significantly more believable than Michael Jordan and Bill Murray being real-life best friends. I mean, come on, what would they even have to talk about?