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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Aaron Rodgers
After enduring a horrific slate of 1:00 games NFL fans were treated to perhaps the game of the year between the Packers and Cowboys. Three-plus hours of Jets-Browns, Chargers-Giants, Titans-Dolphins and 49ers-Colts was almost enough for me to give up on professional football altogether, but just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.
That game in Dallas had a playoff vibe to it, a back-and-forth contest decided in the final seconds. When Dak Prescott ran it in for the go-ahead touchdown everybody in the building knew that the 1:13 left on the clock was plenty for Rodgers, who needed just 1:02 to drive down the field and win the game. The Packers’ QB is basically Tom Brady WITH the ability to scramble, but WITHOUT a family who loves him.
2. Colin Kaepernick
We don’t talk politics here on the Power Rankings. In fact, “Politics” has it’s own category: http://www.thepromptmag.com/category/politics/. Here, we just talk football. So, from a football perspective,
HOW THE FUCK DOES COLIN KAEPERNICK NOT HAVE A JOB?
The caliber of back-up quarterbacks in the league right now is historically low. BRANDON WEEDEN and his 76.0 career passer rating was signed by the Titans to back up Matt Cassel (who carries a 78.8 rating of his own). In Oakland, E.J. “77.1” Manuel has relieved the injured Derek Carr and led the Raiders to a pair of losses since taking over. Somebody tell Raiders management that a free agent QB with a modest 88.9 lifetime rating and a Super Bowl appearance on his resume lives a few miles away in San Jose.
3. AFC East
“The New England Patriots are going to win the AFC East this year. That is not a prediction, that is a fact. The sun will rise tomorrow morning and the morning after that, and the Pats will sit atop the division in December.” —Me, last week… and this week… and every week until it’s so obvious that it need not be stated.
That said… well, it is a bit crowded at the top. The Jets are a surprising 3-2 after appearing to be tanking this year, which in classic Jets fashion they failed to do. The Bills had a chance to go 4-1 but couldn’t pick up a W in Cincy, and the Pats avoided a 2-3 record thanks to the ineptitude of Nick Folk and the entire Buccaneers coaching staff. New England travels to the Meadowlands this weekend to reestablish alpha dominance and remind the division who daddy is.
4. Philadelphia Eagles
ALL ABOARD! After a decisive win over the other Carson the Eagles are now 4-1 and have a 2-game lead in the NFC East. The Wagon heads down 95-South on a short week for Thursday night’s game against the Panthers, followed by 10 days off and a Monday-nighter vs. the 2nd place Redskins. By then we should know if this team is for real or not, but for now its mostly about the wagon artwork.
5. Seattle Seahawks
Sometimes football just doesn’t make sense. From 2014-2016 the Seahawks were a playoff team and the Rams were garbage, yet Seattle couldn’t buy a road win in either St. Louis or L.A. Now that the Rams appear to be good and the ‘Hawks are struggling, of course Russell Wilson & Co manage to eke out a 16-10 victory at the Coliseum. Seattle still hasn’t solved their offensive line problems, rushing for just 62 yards on 25 carries, but the Legion of Boom defense appears to be back in some capacity.
The Rams fall to 3-2, which is a shame, because if they had won I could have made a joke about how young their coach is. Something like “Sean McVay was only 14-years-old when Ray Lewis was *allegedly* stabbing two people to death, but definitely obstructing justice in their murder investigation.”
6. My Bookie
There is nothing worse than the guy who goes into detail complaining about his gambling wins or losses. Nobody wants to hear about your fantasy football team or the bad beat you took in poker. It is perhaps the lowest form of conversation. So I will spare you the specifics. Just know that the Steelers losing outright knocked me out of every survivor league and murdered every tease. The Giants not being able to hold on to a win at home was financially frustrating. The Browns turning the ball over three times when they were 5 yards from the end zone was not great either. Why was I betting on a Jets-Browns game? I don’t know. Sometimes I think I might have a problem. Those times are typically Mondays and Tuesdays. By Thursday I do not think I have a problem anymore.
7. Blue Fuji of Medford
(Sponsored) Coming in at #7 is a great Asian fusion spot right in the heart of Medford. Blue Fuji! Whether you’re in the mood for Chinese, Japanese or Thai, this place has it all! Get 10% off online orders with the promo code “bluefuji3810″…and tell them that Mike sent you!
8. Rookie Race
Sunday night saw a match-up between the two odds-on favorites to win the Offensive Rookie of the Year award. Kareem Hunt added another 107 rushing yards to his league-leading total and came away with a victory, but it was Deshaun Watson who won the ROY battle. After throwing for 261 and 5 (count ’em) 5 TDs, Watson improved his odds to -150 (Hunt is now +110). I’m not saying that the Houston doctor that is supplying the Astros with performance-enhancing drugs is also dealing to Deshaun, but I’m not ruling it out either.
9. The New York “Football” Giants
The winless Giants lost to the previously winless Chargers, they lost all of their receivers to ankle injuries, and they appear to have lost all hope. Odell Beckham, Jr. and Brandon Marshall are officially out for the season, their offensive line is embarrassing, and their schedule just gets harder. On the bright side, it looks like Sam Darnold may be going to a New York team after all!
10. Kevin Hogan
The Browns lost again and are the only team in the AFC without a win, but they may have had a small victory come out of Sunday’s train wreck. It is often said that when a season comes crashing down and hurts inside that you gotta take a stand. Enter Kevin Hogan. When you hurt his friends and hurt his pride he has to be a man, he can’t let it slide. Kaepernick could learn a thing or two from this “Real” American, who relieved a struggling DeShone Kizer and went 16/19 for 194 yards and a pair of 2nd half touchdowns. Add him to the shirt!
Also Receiving Votes: Unemployed Kickers in the Tampa Bay Area, Unemployed Wide Receivers in and around East Rutherford New Jersey, Davante Adams, Alex Smith, Leonard Fournette, and Misogyny.
Not Receiving Votes: Mike Pence
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