Hot Takes Tuesday with {Jack O’Shea}: GAME OF THRONES EDITION!

Hot Takes for Tuesday July 18, 2017

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Foreword:

I’ve never been a huge Game of Thrones guy. It’s hard for me to get excited about dragons and stuff when I know that no one in that world uses toilet paper.

But, my roommates love it. My family loves it. Hell, everyone loves it—even my barber won’t shut up about Game of Thrones, and he barely speaks English. Without really trying, I’ve seen probably half of GoT, which is just long enough to form some opinions. So here are my thoughts after Sunday night’s premiere…

1. We didn’t need a montage of diarrhea.

Call me prude, but I just don’t think we needed to watch Sam collect and clean pots of diarrhea, and we DEFINITELY didn’t need to crosscut it with him making and distributing brown soup.

Maybe stop feeding these guys soup. Has anyone thought of that?

I don’t know for sure what the point of that 5 minute montage was, but I’m guessing it was to garner some sympathy for Sam. But, here’s the thing, Sam doesn’t need any more sympathy.

Nope.

He’s already an overweight librarian’s assistant with a neckbeard. Showing him cleaning pots of diarrhea is just overkill.

Take Temperature:

1/10 — Literally no one wanted this.

2. That Greyjoy guy is officially my second favorite character.

First off, the guy dresses like he’s the frontman of an Imagine Dragons tribute band.

Alt-rock af.

Speaking of which, Imagine Dragons would be a great name for a Game of Thrones fanfic band.

Here’s some concept album art.

But, seriously, this dude seems like the type of guy who exclusively wears Old Spice Swagger —the official deodorant of sexy pirates everywhere—and I love it. Hopefully he is a big part of the show going forward.

Take Temperature:

6/10 — More pirate guy, less chubby librarian guy.

3. Lord Varys is still the best character in the show.

I just fuckin’ love this hairless little snark. He’s the Michael Jordan of backhanded compliments, and while all the other characters are playing checkers, everyone’s favorite eunuch is playing chess.

And he fills out a bathrobe like a champion.

Varys is easily the best character in Game of Thrones. He can say more with his eyes than Sansa can with a monologue.

But, back to Imagine Dragons…

Take Temperature:

6/10 — If you say Jon Snow is the best character, I don’t know what show you’re watching.

4. The Ed Sheeran cameo was a little much.

Look, I get it. Game of Thrones is like the biggest show ever. Nearly 20 percent of the internet these days is made up of Trump tweets, tweets about Trump tweets, and tweets about tweets about Trump tweets, and the remaining 80 percent is just Game of Thrones analysis and spoilers. All British celebrities are dying to do a cameo, so Ed Sheeran’s appearance wasn’t exactly a shocking twist.

But, it was a little forced. Ed Sheeran has a very iconic look.

Basically if Ron Weasley went through a hipster phase.

He played a soldier in what had to be the lamest platoon in the history of war. They sang, they shared their food with strangers, and they talked extensively about missing their parents. These Lannister soldiers were so soft, even Arya didn’t see the point in killing them, and her entire life purpose is killing Lannister soldiers.

It seemed like the only reason they did that scene was to have an excuse for putting the ginger with fashionable bedhead in the show, and the episodes are already monotonous enough as it is.

The Lannisters don’t stand a chance.

Take Temperature:

3/10 — You’re better than this, GoT.

5. Can everyone just meet up already?

I know Westeros is a big, and none of these characters have figured out how cars work despite being able to talk to animals, resurrect from death, and transform into other people, but we’ve waited long enough.

They didn’t even give us dragons until like season 5.

I haven’t watched all that much of Game of Thrones, but it seems like the past 49 seasons have basically just been about characters walking around trying to find each other.

I’m over it. Let’s just cut to the chase and have all the characters meet up at the Lannisters’ pad so they can hash out their differences and fight the snow people.

Cut to the friggin’ chase!

Take Temperature:

2/10 — I feel like I’m waiting on Guns N’ Roses’ new album over here.

6. They should’ve reversed the first and last scenes.

My biggest pet peeve with Game of Thrones is that, for a show with 87 intersecting plot lines, not a whole lot seems to happen. I mean, these White Walker guys have been trekking towards Jon Snow for like 10 years, and they’re still haven’t even gotten to the big wall.

How many pit stops are these guys taking?

So when the premiere opened with Arya killing Argus Filch from Hogwarts, I was pumped. Maybe this season would be different, I foolishly thought. Maybe they’re going to be constantly moving the plot forward.

But, alas, not a whole lot happened in the show after Filch’s buddies died. And the show ended with a 15 minute scene in which Khaleesi basically gave us a tour of her new casa, which was almost as drawn out and insufferable as watching couples on House Hunters. Game of Thrones should’ve opened with that scene, and closed with Mystique’s Arya’s little poison wine trick. At least then we would’ve ended on a high note, and not some glorified house tour.

Arya is officially a cross between Mystique and the captain from Treasure Planet.

Take Temperature:

5/10 — Khaleesi’s house was dope though.

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