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Last week some reported that The Lego Movie directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller have been removed from the helm of Lucasfilm’s upcoming Han Solo film, which one has to assume is going to be titled Han, Solo or else what are we all even doing here?
Lord & Miller’s replacement has been named, and it’s none other than Brian Grazer’s bff Ron Howard. The internet has been abuzz with Arrested Development jokes in the wake of this news, but I take my Star Wars fan theories very seriously, so here are five directions that the American Graffiti star might actually take Han.
1. The Han Solo Show
Plot: Widowed space sheriff Andy Solo and his little boy Han live a quiet life on the sleepy planet Maytooine. Andy is a level-headed lawman who’s not too keen on outsiders and ruffians threatening the local populace, but the real threats to peace on his planet come from the wacky antics of his own deputy, Barney Antilles. Han appears throughout to cause mischief, but this is Andy’s story.
Tagline: “Sometimes it feels like this planet is spinning faster than it did in the old days.”
Potential Production Issues: Alden Ehrenreich is probably a bit too old for this story.
Likelihood: 2/10
2. Hanzy Days
Plot: Milwookie native Chewie Cunningham and his family live a normal everyday life until they rent out a room to local bad boy Arthur Hanzarelli Solo, known to kids around town as Hanzy or The Hanz. Hanzy is a speeder bike racer and a ladies’ man, but over the course of many awkward adventures he grows to be a friend and brother figure to little Chewie.
Tagline: “Sunday, Monday, Hanzy Days! Tuesday, Wednesday, Hanzy Days! Thursday, Sunday, Hanzy Days! This planet has only five days, but Hanzy’s cool on every one!”
Potential Production Issues: Hanzy Days, already a spin-off itself, would likely be so popular that it would create half a dozen spin-offs of its own, and I don’t think Lucasfilm could handle that production schedule.
Likelihood: 4/10
3. Solo
Plot: A prophecy foretells that a child with a special birthmark will bring about the downfall of the evil Sith Queen Darth Morda. Darth Morda imprisons all pregnant women in the Outer Rim to prevent this from happening, but one baby is rescued and sent to live with a tribe of Ewoks on the forest moon of Endor. A young Ewok sorcerer named Warwick Dugbad agrees to take the baby to D’Qar, and as he sets out he comes across a human trapped in a churi cage. The human, Han Solo, agrees to help him on his mission, and the two travel across the galaxy to fulfill the prophecy.
Tagline: “Space adventure doesn’t come any bigger than this.”
Potential Production Issues: There may some continuity problems with showing Han interacting with Ewoks Before Return of the Jedi.
Likelihood: 7/10
4. Han Solo 13
Plot: Aspiring astronaut Lando Calrissian can’t wait for his first mission, a routine space flight to one of Lothal’s moons. Days before he’s set to launch, however, his copilot Azmattingly contracts speasles, and Lando is forced to take on a new copilot or scrap the mission. The only available replacement is 13 year-old Han Solo, and what is expected to be a simple flight turns into an epic disaster, one where Lando may lose his life—or worse, his ship.
Tagline: “That’s no moon landing.”
Potential Production Issues: Very few! This is probably going to be exactly what happens.
Likelihood: 9/10
5. Cinderella Han
Plot: Han Solo is an Irish-American boxer from New Jersey forced to give up the sport he loves after breaking his hand. He takes up smuggling to pay the bills, but he can’t always find work, so when a chance to fight again comes up, he grabs it. He wins the fight and agrees to a series of others, surprisingly winning each. He’s given an opportunity to fight the heavyweight champion, Max Rendar, a man known for killing opponents in the ring, and he must decide whether his life is worth the money the fight could earn for his family.
Tagline: “When America was on its knees, he brought us to our feet.”
Potential Production Issues: This movie takes place in New Jersey during the Great Depression, not a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away, and has nothing to do with Star Wars.
Likelihood: 1/10
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