Life is unfortunately meaningless. However, at least there’s dessert.

The most delectable of the courses, a treat for your senses. A reward for a job well done, if you consider sustenance a job. And you should, to be honest.

These recipes have been tested and developed by master chefs who poured countless hours into perfecting their craft, only to see it be swallowed whole—as with anything we do.

Red Velvet Cake

This rich chocolate-based cake is named after its deep red color and moist, velvety texture. Traditionally finished with ermine icing, this recipe substitutes buttercream icing. The result is an easier and quicker preparation for when you realize the universe is incapable of acknowledging you and, accordingly, all effort is pointless.

(Serves 8-10)

Ingredients

• ½ cup grams butter, at room temperature, plus 2 tablespoons to prepare pans
• 3 tablespoons cocoa powder, divided
• 1 ½ cups sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla
• 2 tablespoons red food coloring
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 ½ cups flour, sifted
• 1 cup whole buttermilk
• 1 tablespoon vinegar
• White buttercream icing, prepared in advance

Preparation

• The real state of all things is death, and life and warmth are simply temporary illusions. Rebel piteously against the ultimate truth and heat oven to 350 degrees. Prepare three 9-inch cake pans by buttering lightly and sprinkling with 1 tablespoon sifted cocoa powder, tapping pans to coat and discarding extra cocoa as life does your dreams.
• Cream butter and sugar together. Add eggs, pausing after each one and reflecting on what could have been. But for circumstance, the egg might have been fertilized and become a chicken. Is there a way to measure the potential of a life that never was? Is it any different from a life that is, yet has no potential? Beat mixture vigorously until each egg is incorporated, then mix in vanilla.
• In a separate bowl, make a paste of the remaining 2 tablespoons cocoa and the food coloring. Blend into butter mixture.
• Sift together remaining dry ingredients until the result is uniform and bland, with everything unique erased. Alternating in 2 batches each, add dry ingredients and buttermilk to the butter mixture. In the last batch of buttermilk, mix in the vinegar before adding to the batter. Mix until blended, and weep.
• Divide batter into 2 pans. Recognize that time has no meaning, except as a blind, mute, and deaf yardstick by which men audaciously mark their accomplishments. Regardless, bake for about 20 to 25 minutes. Remove from oven and cool on a rack completely.
• To assemble, remove 1 cake from its pan and place flat side down on a serving platter. You may continue, or not: the cake, as with existence, is equally worthless regardless how we choose to adorn it. Should you decide to continue, drop about 1 cup of icing onto cake and, using a flat spatula, spread evenly over top.
• Remove the second cake from its pan. Place flat side down on top of first layer. Use remaining frosting to cover top and sides of cake.