Selfie VanMillennial

unemployable@gmail.com
401-555-1339

SUMMARY

Here’s a line of bullshit filled with flashy words and catchy phrases I think you are going to like to read. Lots of talk about previous accomplishments and long term goals, none of which I am really passionate about. As much as I try to make it original it is probably identical to 99% of resumes you’ve already seen.

Upon entering the conference room for our interview, please apologize for not having time to review my resume in more detail. It’s quite alright—I was even counting on that a little. Good thing the recruiter or secretary printed out a copy so you have something to look at while you sit back and I “go ahead tell you a little about myself.”

THE COMPANY I WORK AT NOW (Jun 2016 – Current)

Insert Generic and Meaningless Title Here

I currently dislike my job. I think it’s a waste of time and wildly inefficient. I am too scared or too lazy to start up any of my own ideas. I have a dozen or so. I keep promising myself I will do it one day but it is a lot more comforting to continually convince myself that I will find a “normal” job that I enjoy somehow somewhere.

• Responsible for a variety of mundane tasks that I will tailor to your posted job description.
• Also responsible for the paperwork or accountability of the above mentioned task.
• Random line about quality control and customer satisfaction.
• More description of the process and people/equipment/tasks I manage.
• Really, I am just looking for something that pays some sort of a salary while letting me cruise social media 40% of the day, plan my own selfish vacations 20% of the day, plot my own business start-up another 20%, 10% is allotted for podcasts while doing actual work, and the remaining 10% I will use to complain via text and g-chat about how you, my new employer, wants me to do more work.
• Something about managing people and their expectations.

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I TOOK A PAY CUT TO CHANGE CAREER PATHS AND STARTED WITH THIS COMPANY (Nov 2015 – Jun 2016)

Another meaningless job title that I will undoubtedly hype up with buzz words

Instead of being true to myself and focusing efforts on doing my own thing, it is a lot easier now to just apply to 50+ jobs a day online. Less than 0.5% will ever look at my resume and even less will contact me. Still I persist. This job called me back, interviewed me, and somehow I made it through endless hurdles of bullshit to negotiate a decent salary.

• FYI – I fudged the above dates by a month or so on each end to cover up a small gap where I thought I was onto something and enjoyed the freedom on my own. I may have been onto something here, but things got scary and I ran back to my comfort zone.
• Rambling line about deliverables and estimate costs for projects/tasks.
• Ensure compliance SOP and safety regulations
• EFFICIENCY!
• CUSTOMER NEEDS!
• REPORTS!
• MORE BUZZWORDS!
• Analyze, manage and mitigate risks to ensure quality standards.

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A FRIEND REFERRED ME TO THIS COMPANY SO I THOUGHT I’D GIVE IT A TRY (November 2012 – November 2015)

Probably something to do with sales

I knew I wasn’t going to be passionate about this job, but it seemed like the right move to make at the time. Despite a lack of enthusiasm, I did enough to get by and even had some wins.

• Supported a wide variety of blah, blah, blah while also managing blah, blah, blah.
• Provided technical expertise to the customer and to the vendor.
• Budgets and quotes for projects of a wide variety.
• Focused on customer satisfaction.
• Something about a healthy profit margin.

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HERE’S THE FIRST JOB I STARTED AFTER COLLEGE (June 2010 – November 2012)

Generic Entry level position

It was with a very prestigious company with an amazing reputation. How could I say no? Here was huge opportunity to “work hard” and start a (boring) safe, (mundane) happy, (life sucking) long-term, career.

• I should have taken some time off in between school and work to really figure out what I wanted to do. I didn’t because that’s not “normal.”
• There are school loans and bills to be paid and these things are “normal” and easy to handle by going the “normal path.”
• Since age 6, I have been inside this vicious system that doesn’t let you know there is a whole world out there full of “non-normal people:” adventurers, wande-lusters, dirtbags, people scraping by but with passion, heart, soul. Something else, anything else. EVERYTHING else.
• Hell, there are even people out there completely content without making any more. I am extremely envious of these people.
• Even still, I will tell you about my passion for a career at your company and how I can bring a new and different light to this position and department for you. I am young at this point and will play the “I am not stuck in my own ways” card. That’s what you want to hear, right? Good. Let’s continue, I think this is going well.
• I will work any and all hours at this point. And I mean that, because being fresh out of school, I have no idea how valuable time really is. I am still invincible and will continue to convince myself there’s plenty of time to enjoy life later on. It’s easy to take “later on” for granted.
• An hour commute each way? No problem.
• I promise I won’t even try to negotiate compensation because no one tells you how to do that in school.

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VOLUNTEER WORK

• Some club or organization that I spend a few hours a month at. This usually relates to my passion more than anything else on this worthless sheet of paper. If you want to really know more about me, you should dig in here. But you’ll breeze right over it.
• Member of another club.
• I also volunteer some time here.

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SKILLS

• Microsoft Office, Word, Excel, Outlook, and PowerPoint. Obviously. But you’ll ask about it anyways, just to make sure.
• I have also worked with two or three programs in the past that do not matter at all.

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EDUCATION

Academy School University of State (Graduated May, 2010)

Bachelor Degree, MAJOR, GPA 3.6

• I took all the engineering classes to pad my GPA because I was naturally good at them. These classes came ridiculously easy to me, and I felt a sense of worth because I was good at what the professors wanted to see.
• My favorite classes were English Literature and Poetry (I won’t admit this out loud until 7 years later because it doesn’t fit the bill of what I think I want people to think of me). At the time, I only enrolled in because I needed the credits and didn’t realize how much I love to read, think, and create things.
• I will never use 85% of the stuff I learned at this university in the real world.
• Sports: I played one or two, maybe even team captain. I will adjust my current interest level after assessing the interviewer’s level of interest while I talk about it.
• Other random activity to let you know I am well rounded and/or to start conversation.