Hot Takes Tuesday with {Jack O’Shea}: Aaron Hernandez, Dog Instagram, & NBA Buddy Comedies

Hot Takes for Tuesday April 25, 2017

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1. Aaron Hernandez kinda sorta maybe redeemed himself.

Don’t get me wrong, Aaron Hernandez was a monster. And while his story is definitely a sad one, I have absolutely no sympathy for him. Like most professional athletes, he hit the genetic lottery at birth. He was given the natural size, speed, and athleticism to thrust him into a world of fame and fortune. And like sadly high number of professional athletes (see: OJ Simpson, Ray Rice, Oscar Pistorius), he threw it all away by hurting someone close to him.

For those who don’t know much about Hernandez’s story, here is a brief timeline:

At 16, he is considered the number 1 high school tight end in the country. At 17, he is an NCAA Division 1 college athlete. At 18, he is the starting tight end for the Florida Gators. At 19, he is an NCAA football champion. At 20, he is the youngest active player in the NFL. At 21, he plays in the Super Bowl. At 22, he is a multi-millionaire. At 23, he is arrested for murder. At 24, he is indicted for two more murders. At 25, he is convicted on murder charges. At 26, he is spending the rest of his life in prison. At 27, he kills himself.

Yeah, it’s a sad story. And though murdering anyone is unforgivable, killing one of your best friends is some psychopathic movie villain shit. So when I found out that Aaron Hernandez committed suicide—that he took the easy way out—two things crossed my mind: 1) Good riddance. 2) Why?

I was confused. This self-defined “tough guy” wasn’t hard enough for prison? It didn’t make any sense.

It don’t make no sense.

HOWEVER, over the past few days, the reason why Hernandez took his own life is starting to  come to light.

You see, in the state of Massachusetts, if you die before you are convicted of a crime, the charges are completely vacated. The state considers you innocent, and the trial process stops. And since Hernandez was currently in the process of appealing his 2015 conviction at the time of his death, his suicide essentially cleared his name (legally speaking).

The judicial system is weird.

And since his criminal charges were the only thing allowing the New England Patriots to withhold his multi-million dollar salary, his family (namely, his daughter) may now be entitled to the money he would have earned had he not turned out to be a homicidal sociopath.

In other words, Hernandez’s suicide ensured that his daughter will have a substantially better upbringing, education, and life. He sacrificed his life—shitty as it may be—for the wellbeing of his daughter.

Now, since this is real life and not a movie, I seriously doubt that anyone (including myself) is going to forgive Hernandez for the atrocities that he committed. Fuck that.

But Hernandez’s story—a redemption story—does parallel that of a lot of movies. Movies in which lifelong bad guys sacrifice their lives for the wellbeing of others. American History X, Gran Torino, Darth Vader, and Severus Snape: in 20 years we may consider these stories to be metaphorical of Hernandez’s life.

Who cares that he abused an orphan for 7 years? He did the right thing in the end.

And if anyone thinks I’m an asshole for suggesting that Hernandez was not just a demon monster who only cared about himself until his untimely death, tell me this: Are you not happy that Hernandez’s 4 year-old daughter, Avielle, is now going to inherit millions of dollars in lieu of  visiting her father in a maximum security prison for the rest of his life?

If you answered “yes,” then aren’t you happy that Aaron Hernandez killed himself? And if you answered “no,” then I assume that you are just a Patriots fan.

Take Temperature:

11/10 – The surface of the sun.

2. STOP making Instagram accounts for your dogs.

Like anyone with an Instagram account and a pulse, I actively follow the daily adventures of internet famous dogs like Doug the Pug…

ROFL! Dogs aren’t supposed to wear sunglasses!

And Jiffpom…

LOL! Dogs can’t be cheerleaders!

These adorable little canines and their shenanigans can put a smile on my face even after I’ve watch that one really sad scene in Click.

Easily the saddest scene in the history of history.

Unfortunately, just as Jodie Foster and Taxi Driver inspired John Hinckley Jr. to kill Ronald Reagan, the immense popularity of Doug and the gang have inspired seemingly every person on the planet to create an Instagram for their own dogs.

Every other day it seems, I get a notification that my friend’s dog started following me on Instagram. I’m not an idiot, guys. I know your dog didn’t create its own Instagram account. Dogs don’t even have thumbs. And having your dog’s account follow mine is obviously just a feeble attempt to get me to follow back.

But I won’t! I refuse. I already follow a dozen Instadogs, and I don’t want my entire feed to consist of low quality pictures of dogs with weak-ass dog pun captions. I check Instagram to see pictures of girls in bikinis, and sometimes for sports highlights. Jiffpom’s latest post is just the cherry on top.

And I’m sure your dog is very cute and lovable, but it’s time to face reality: your dog doesn’t have what it takes. Do you think Doug the Pug just got lucky? Do you think he didn’t work his little tail off day and night to get to where he is today? Do you realize how much he has personally sacrificed to attain his current political stature?

Do you think this is easy?????

Did you know that Instadogs have an average lifespan of only 10 to 15 years, and they are forced to eat and drink out of bowls on the ground? It’s a hard knock life, and your dog just doesn’t have what it takes.

Take Temperature:

5/10 — Mild salsa.

3. Everyone in the NBA is friends with each other, and that sucks.

All of my problems with the NBA stem from the fact that there just isn’t any real competition for 97 percent of the season. James Harden and Russell Westbrook can duke it out all they want in their little playoff series, but we all know that we will be watching The Cleveland Cavaliers LeBron James take on the Golden State Warriors Steph Curry and Kevin Durant in the finals.

It’s like being suckered into watching all the undercard fights before Floyd Mayweather fought Manny Pacquiao. Every poor sap I knew went to the bars at 8 P.M. to watch the fight, only to realize that the Mayweather/Pacquiao match wouldn’t start until 1 A.M., and we’d have to watch like six other no-name boxers fighting for non-existent prizes before the main event.

By the time the Floyd/Manny fight did come on, I was too drunk to even know what TV was.

Dramatic reenactment.

Well, that’s basically what the NBA is now.

And even worse, the players aren’t even competing with each other off the court anymore. No, they’re all seemingly great buddies with each other.

Did everyone in the NBA go to the same summer camp?

I’m by no means a Kobe Bryant fan, but I certainly miss his raw competitive spirit. Forget the rest of the league, Kobe hated the players on his own team.

This is how Snape looked at Harry Potter for 7 years.

I’m not saying that players have to physically fight each other, but… wait, that’s EXACTLY what I’m saying. Hockey players fight, baseball players bean each other, and hitting guys on the other team is basically the whole point of football.

All I’m saying is, if you want me to watch all of these games that I know won’t matter at the end of the season, at least convince me that they matter to the players.

Take Temperature:

3/10 — About as hot as the 2017 Miami Heat.

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