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DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
United States of America
Dear President Trump,
I recently read that you would not be continuing in the footsteps of President Obama, abstaining from picking an NCAA March Madness Bracket on ESPN.
You may be too busy Making America Great Again, or likely, you are not read up on this year’s college basketball teams. As your Secretary of Education, I figured could give you a few tips on how to go about picking the right teams in your bracket. You know, some locker room talk!
Pick a Model: Proficiency vs. Growth
Now, this is a tricky one, so I have been doing a lot of reading up on these two styles of measurements! It is important to grasp that you can look at a team by competency and mastery, so that each team is measured according to the advancement they’re making in each area. I recently learned that is dubbed “growth.” For example, the SMU Mustangs had a slow start to the season but have been on a tear recently, winning 23 of their last 24!
Other bracketologists might rather consider a “proficiency” model. I am still trying to determine what that means and will get back to you when I understand it.
Beware of Grizzlies!
It is well-documented how dangerous bears can be around schools. This year watch out for the Montana Grizzlies of the Big Sky Conference and the Oakland Golden Grizzlies of the Horizon League. And I’d also be careful about the PAC-12’s UCLA Bruins. In preparation for such an attack, I perused the NCAA Basketball rulebook and—unsurprisingly—they have trampled on our second amendment rights! No guns allowed at games. Good luck taking down a grizzly without one.
Bet on Those Charter Schools
Rags to riches kids with new opportunities? Talk about a Cinderella Story!
Don’t Forget About Historically Black Colleges and Universities
And definitely don’t forget that these HBCUs were not brought about by choice! Hampton has had a rich history in the tournament, but this year I like NC Central or Texas Southern as potential sleepers.
It’s All About Endowment!
We know you guarantee there is no problem down there, but I am talking about schools loaded with donations. Mo Money, Less Problems! Keep your eyes on Notre Dame, Princeton, and Michigan!
Ultimately, It’s Your Decision.
Some presidents pick swing states, other presidents pick schools their family members attended. But remember that this is a win-win. Either you do a phenomenal job and are a national hero, or your bracket becomes a catastrophe and you can tweet at the teams who scorned you. And if you still can’t decide, remember what got you here and go with American.
Sincerely,
Betsy DeVos
Secretary of Education
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