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My full name is John Charles O’Shea, but I almost always go by Jack; unless I am at the DMV, where they legally refer to me as John; or the bowling alley, where I go by my alias, Slappy Dinsmore. I like my name(s).
Like many of you, I’ve searched my name on Google and Facebook to see what the rest of the people that share my namesake have been up to. I quickly learned that Jack O’Sheas are everywhere, and we are a proud people. We deliver your mail. We bus your tables. We coach JV softball at your local public high school.
There are quite a few famous Jack O’Sheas as well…
Jack O’Shea the Gaelic Footballer
One of the 16 Most Important Irish Athletes of the last 100 years.
Gaelic football is apparently neither soccer nor football btw.
Jack O’Shea the Punk Rocker
Sure.
Jack O’Shea, the Butcher
Famous Irish Butcher who is involved in some sort of scandal, I guess.
There are zero vegetarian Jack O’Sheas.
Jack O’Shea, the Rapper
OK, technically Ice Cube’s real name is O’Shea Jackson. But I still think it should count.
Our resemblance is uncanny #GoNats.
So, a couple months ago—after tossing back a couple of tequila sodas, whiskey gingers, and old-school caffeinated Four Lokos (I got a hookup)—I got an idea: I am going to connect with all of the Jack and John O’Sheas in the world and create our very own global business network!
The Jack O’Shea Global Network
At this very second, there are approximately 218 people in the United States named either Jack or John O’Shea, which I think is literally the perfect amount. If there were 219 Jack O’Sheas, the name would hardly be unique. On the other hand, if there were only 217 Jackie O’s, we’d essentially be an endangered species.
Fun Fact: In the United States, there are more Jack O’Sheas than giant pandas.
In addition to the 218 in the United States, there are probably hundreds more Jack O’Sheas in the motherland, considering that Jack is most common male first name and O’Shea is the 49th most common surname in Ireland.
We will create our own website, connect with each other, buy matching jackets, hire each other, trade with each other, and rent out airport Sheratons for expensive annual dinners where we’ll give out special awards to the Jack O’Sheas who best exemplified what it truly means to be a Jack O’Shea in the previous fiscal year.
We’ll also have holiday parties.
Our Future Is Bright
In the near future, we’ll see Jack surpass Mohammed and O’Shea surpass Lee as the most common first and last names in the world. Parents will elect to name their child Jack O’Shea in order to give him/her a lifelong membership to the network, and access to all of the lucrative advantages that come with it. I’m giddy with excitement just thinking about it.
Now, I only started building my future empire a month ago, but I’m already seeing some very promising results. So far, I’ve become Facebook friends with 6 of the 218 Jack O’Sheas that live in the United States, and I can definitely feel the enthusiasm for this project beginning to grow.
Welcome aboard, brother!
Yes, it’s really happening! In the words of my personal favorite R&B Duo, McFadden & Whitehead, “ain’t no stoppin’ us now! We’re on the move!”
If you happened know any other Jack or John O’Sheas, please let them know about the cause. Updates to come…
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